Adventures of a Girl and Her Horse and The Baby

If you make a dumb decision...

2012-01-10T15:24:00.000-08:00

I got on a fresh horse today and, after a ride in which he was behind my leg most of the time, made the decision to canter him and we had our own little rodeo. He was feeling great and decided it would be fun to add some bucks to our ride. Syd was surprised to discover that I did not consider these fun. I stayed on though-go me! Still, cantering a horse that I haven't ridden in a week was one of the more silly decisions I've made in a while.

I promised updates on leasing and so here is the gist so far:

It's going well. We're consistently getting at least one lap each direction of really lovely, soft, round trot. He's a funny character: sometimes he gives his back so easily and readily, other times he fights you every single second. I'm trying to get better with the timing of my aids to really reinforce those good moments. I've discovered that I CAN get the canter if I put him together first but we're not really practicing that much. I've been working on putting him together at the walk and trot and keeping him there. I hope to have a lot to show K when we start lessons again!

A Year Ago

2011-02-24T00:04:00.000-08:00

I warn you now that I have managed to break the letter o on my computer keyboard so it may or may not decide to type itself. I may or may not decide to go back and fix this because I'm sick. I've been sick now for three days and it's not fun. I've got the plague of death or a respiratory infection or something. Jon had it first so I blame him. We all had the first round of this plague two weeks ago. A friend was just telling me that this particular death seems t come in tw runds-a week or so apart. Then Jon got sick again. Then I gt sick again. Ugh. The only advantage is that my mom is here visiting so edward is being well taken care of. But it sucks to be stuck in bed while your mm and your baby are having fun. I like fun too.

Anyway, a year ago I was yelling about wanting an epidural and how if they'd given it me an hour ago when I first asked for it, then I culd already be out of pain. In just three more hours and fifteen minutes my sn will be a year old. It's been the fastest, slowest, craziest year of my life so far. The first half of it is a blur. I don't really start t remember things until abut september. I'm s glad that we took a lot of pictures. My dad is cming to visit tmorrw and then he and my mom will fly home march 1st. I'm really pleased that they're able to be here to celebrate this with us.

And it is our celebration. We have kept a baby alive fr an entire year!!! And he's grwn and gained weight and learned new stuff. He acquires new sounds every day. He is a joy and a light in my life. He has given me access to things that I didn't knw I had in me. I'd like to think that I'm becoming a better person by becoming a better mother. Happy Birthday baby boy. And congratulations to yur parents-they definitely deserve cake!!!

Well, Duh!

2011-02-08T13:03:00.001-08:00

Last week my trainer and I were talking about the "s" word. Showing. Tiny little schooling shows, she says. No pressure, she says. Except that every time she says that word she gets a little more excited and I get a little more panicked. But that's another post. We were working on the Intro tests when she told me to leg yield into the turns at C and A. And I had one of those "duh" moments. See, I'd always wondered how people made those beautiful turns all the way at the end of the arena without turning early. I mean, the horse I'm riding at the moment is 17.2hh and long. By the time his head hits C we're still two or three strides from the turn. And then she tosses that little gem out there casually, in the middle of some other feedback, and I about fell off the horse. It was so simple. So easy. Well, duh!

He's On To Me

2011-01-31T12:58:00.000-08:00

Last night as Jon was putting dishes in the dishwasher...
Jon: hey hon, you know how I asked you not to stack plates on top of bowls when you put dishes on the counter?

Me: Yeah, did I do it again?

Jon: Well, can that also apply to not stacking bowls on top of glasses?

Me: I did that?

Jon: You really don't pay any attention to this do you?

Internet, I think he's on to me!

Good For My Ego

2010-11-19T10:34:00.001-08:00

I haven't talked about riding for some time and this may have lead you to believe that it's not going well. Nothing could be farther from the truth! I am having a wonderful time. So wonderful, in fact, that I'm going to be taking lessons twice a week beginning in December!

On Tuesday I had my second lesson on Syd. Syd is a 17.2hh Hanoverian with a splash of Thoroughbred and he's seven years old. He's a funny boy. An absolute sweetheart but he gets into his own head about bit contact. He gets so busy worrying about the contact that he forgets about other stuff-like coordination or steering. So my instructor has me riding him with very little contact-just a nice quiet feel, which is mostly obtained by me holding onto the reins at all (his neck is just that long).

The first week I rode him went much the same way that riding any new horse does:

Horse: can I stop at A?
Me: no
Horse: are you sure I can't stop at A?
Me: yes, very sure. keep going.
Horse: Ok, I'm going to stop at A.
Me: no, No, NO! KEEP GOING.
Horse: *stops at A*

You get the idea. It's a pretty standard process-getting a feel for one another. How much correction is appropriate for this horse? What kind of correction does he respond best to? et cetera.

This week I felt more able to settle in and get some work done for both of us. One of the things that I am loving about riding with K is how supportive and complimentary she is. We spent quite a bit of time this week talking about how to help Syd in his new job as a school horse. For example, one of the things I'm always trying to work on with any horse that I ride is responsiveness. I know, we're all working on that. But I try to do lots of transitions during the warmup phase to get them "tuned" in to my aids. I feel that this is especially important with a school horse because they get so many different riders over the course of the week and we all ride differently. K pointed out that the ideal sensitivity level of a school horse is quite different than your own horse. Which is so obvious I can't believe it hadn't occurred to me. But she doesn't want him super sensitive. He should respond in proportion to the aid. This is so different than what I've been accustomed to attempting to teach. In general, I want to use a light aid as much as possible. So it was interesting to think about teaching him to use a slow trot for a very light aid and save the bigger gaits for heavier aids.

He is pretty disorganized right now and heavily on his forehand. K is basically restarting dressage with him so we're riding him like a green horse. Which is good because he has no sense of self-carriage. For the first time in forever my having brought along Wanda (with help!) is really helpful to my riding. I'm able to provide that steady, wide contact and not let him pull me out of position (or at least, mostly-I'm still working on core strength) while still pushing him a bit to get him moving. Once he figures out that stopping isn't an option he has quite a motor on him and will be able to tick right along once he figures out how to get his feet underneath himself. For now though, we're just working on yes, my hands are a guide rail and are here to help you balance; but no, you may not just lean on them with your entire body!

The rider who rode him before my lesson had a really hard time with him stopping at the gate and so K warned me that this might be an issue. And it was. In fact, I ended up riding him off of the rail and slightly counterbent to keep him focused on his job and not on when he could be done. He did eventually straighten out and we had several rounds each direction where he didn't even look at the gate.

I haven't been the rider that someone put on to help a horse with a bad habit since I was fourteen and at summer camp! It feels amazing. I love feeling like I'm not just learning but that I'm helping the horse to be better at his job. And K is all about teaching you to first ride effectively and then to ride prettily. So we've shortened my stirrups by two holes and turned my foot out a little to where it hangs naturally. And guess what?! I'm sitting up straighter and I have more "oomph" in my leg aids because I'm not busy fighting with my leg position. In fact, I don't worry about it at all beyond "is this comfortable?" and "is this effective?". It's the coolest feeling.

I wish all riders had an opportunity to ride with someone who said, "Let's learn to be effective and then we can always tidy you up later.". Because that is what riding is really all about-using our bodies efficiently to influence the horse. This is the dressage that I've wanted to get back to. And I couldn't be more thrilled.

And the fact that K is good for my ego doesn't hurt one bit either ;)

Internet Ass-Hat

2010-10-29T21:29:00.000-07:00

I accidentally hurt a very dear friend a couple of weeks ago with a post and I just wanted to publicly say that I'm sorry. And also, that I win the Internet Ass-Hat award for the week. And to celebrate my idiocy, here is a picture of me, with the ass-hat award:

And Also

2010-10-27T14:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Breeches,

I hate how bizarre you make my body proportions look. I looked good in you when I was sixteen-can't we just agree that that was enough? I know that I'm overweight and I'm working on it but when I put you on to go riding and I catch a glimpse of my gigantic leather-clad butt in the mirror it makes me want to cry. Please work on fitting a bit more kindly.

Sincerely,
Jill

To The BatCave!

2010-10-25T16:26:00.000-07:00

Dear lord, where to start?

Last week was an adventure that began the weekend of the previous week. I ended my brief escapde as a single parent (and boy howdy did *that* suck-the single parent thing, not the ending it) and we spent a week doing laundry and packing and preparing for.....

wait for it......

OUR FIRST PLANE RIDE

Jon, Edward and I packed up our lives (yes it took two suitcases for me and the baby. yes I took every single bib and burp rag I could find. yes I did two loads of laundry at my parents house anyway. and yes, I could have left half of the clothes and pjs at home had I known that we wouldn't experience any complete clothing failures) and headed to Illinois for Monmouth College's homecoming. It was my 10 year reunion too and the first time I'd been on campus since I got married nine years ago. I barely recognized the school.

And may I just say to you current students at MC, you are spoiled rotten infants who live in palaces and climb stairs (STAIRS!) up the hill to Wallace Hall and have decent drinking water piped in from Peoria and a black box theatre space and a follow-spot booth that means no more dangling legs off the catwalk and fearing for your life and new light boards and a fancy store in the union that does not require walking five blocks in the snow to get milk!

I just needed to get that off my chest. Moving on.

I got to see two of my very best friends which was awesome. They both got to see me which I'm sure was equally awesome. And everyone got to see Edward who also got to see everyone. I know, it's hard to believe the level of sheer awesome-ness contained in one weekend! It was really, really, REALLY lovely to get to spend some one-on-one time with both of them. And it was fabulous of my husband to come along and corral the child. He was a great sport who made sure the small one ate and slept and played while I ran around town and went to a bar to hear a professor's wife sing and play mandolin in a band. I haven't spent any real quality time with D in over ten years and M has been at least 18 months, if not longer. They both looked and sounded and are wonderful.

While we were in Monmouth, Edward decided it was time to attempt mobilization. He began getting up onto all fours a few days before we left, and, having mostly mastered that (he gets up and then cries because he can't figure out how to get back down again, except when he cries because he fell and can't figure out how to get back up), he decided to experiment! His first big idea was to get up on all fours, thrust his head forward and plant his forehead onto the floor while dropping his arms. He then contracted his abs and pulled his knees forward, lifted his head and planted it as far from his body as possible and repeated the whole process. Then he cried because his head hurt. I gently explained that yes, foreheads are not, in general, a large component in mobilization; and, as far as I can tell, are only there to ensure a nice large and socially-awkward place to get acne.

Then Jon headed back to WA and my parents came to get their grandbaby (and oh yes, me too) and took us to Decatur for the week.

My folks haven't seen Edward since he was two or three weeks old so there were plenty of changes. Look, he has different hair and his eyes are different colors and he can mostly remain in a seated position! If you have kids, then you know how exciting this was. If you don't, then you probably won't.

More on the week in Decatur in part two. Now, time for a nap.

Life Would Be Better With An Editor

2010-10-12T22:22:00.000-07:00

NPR has been running their sweeps week this week which means a lot of talking about how they don't usually talk a lot. And also a bunch of stuff about biographies and autobiographies and collections of memoirs.

That's one of the things about NPR - it always makes me feel guilty that I'm not reading more of those kinds of books. It also frequently makes me feel like an uninformed citizen, but that's more ok because I am.

But anyway, that got me thinking about how life is so much cooler with editing.

For example, in real life, this is how this thought happened:

ME: doo dee doo, hmm..when I get done with my facial I should probably go to the bookstore and get something to read...

[Oh, red light-put on brake, I wonder why that car is stopped so far from the car in front of it. Are they going to pull forward? There's quite a line forming behind me. Maybe if I just sneak up a little they'll get the hint and pull forward too. Nope. Now I'm awkwardly close to the car in front of me. I sure hope no one hits me from behind cause I'll end up rear-ending the...Oh, green light-push accelerator]

Hey, NPR is talking about books, wonder if it's anything I'd like to read...Nope. But huh, why are pepople's lives so much more interesting in print? I mean really, you can take anyone's life and publish it in a book and someone will read it. Why is that? It must be good editing. Because if we had to read about a real life it would be too big for a book and involve a lot of things nobody cares about like the time you were crying in the college cafeteria because you were too tired to decide which kind of juice to have with breakfast [actually, that's kind of a funny story and I should post about it sometime].

Oh crap, was that light green or red? No cop car is pulling me over and no one is honking so it must have been green.

What would life be like if it were just the edited version? Could you choose your editor? And what if it turned out your editor was just trying to create one of those books on Oprah's book list? The kind that focuses on all of the bad crap that ever happened to you and that's all? That would suck. I wonder what an editor would make of my life. Would the things on my highlight list make the editor's list? What if they didn't? That would also suck. Does that mean I would lose those experiences?

Oh, hey, I should park.

Life with an editor:
I was driving to the spa when it occurred to me that if life had editors then we could skip a lot of unneccessary stuff.

Say No More

2010-10-12T16:50:00.000-07:00

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html

All I have to say is "yup" and "ditto".

My Life is a Series of One-Liners

2010-10-10T23:13:00.001-07:00

I have a friend who thinks I'm funny. This is one of the main reasons we're friends. Because I like people who think I'm funny. This particular friend is always saying I should do stand up or write a book. While I find this flattering, I have several problems with this idea-namely that I'm never going to do stand-up as I can't face the rejection and that I'm only funny in one-liners. Also, I'm not disciplined enough to write a book. I have a hard time keeping up with this blog and I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who reads it. Also, I have a journal that I'm writing monthly notes to my son in and the latest entry is three weeks late. But, having said all of this here are the some of the queerer things from my life lately...

On the subject of houseguests
Jon: What's the difference between people staying with us and going downstairs in the evenings and them staying in a hotel and going there in the evenings?
Me: When they leave, they're gone.

Recently I went to change my son's diaper but he wasn't done pooping yet. I was halfway through when it suddenly came squirting out and reminded me of nothing so much as when you try to get an ice cream cone from the soft-serve machine but it comes gushing out faster than you expected and you can't get it to shut off so you end up with a lop-sided cone twelve inches tall. You know that panicky feeling while it's happening? Yeah, it was a lot like that. Only more disgusting.

The baby finds the cats hilarious this week. It doesn't matter what we're doing, if a cat wanders by it means all-out gut-wrenching laughter. The cats have responded the way all cats react to laughter directed at them-they get haughty. Which the baby finds funny. Rinse. Repeat.

In case you've ever wondered, leave the neck support thingy in the car seat. It's there for a reason.

My son has a mole on his thigh and I find myself hoping he'll be at least eighteen before some girl or boy sees it.

Thanks to a friend I now know what hobo spiders are and freak out every time I kill one-which is approximately every three to five days since it's fall and they're moving in.

I still want to know if vegans swallow but I don't know any strict vegans to ask.

I was printing a few pictures to take home to my folks next week and I burned through an entire set of color ink cartridges. I blame the baby.

I think my kid is freakishly adorable-just like all of you other snowflakes.

I don't believe anyone when they tell me they think my kid is beautiful/adorable/cute because I lie all the time about babies.

"I am a delicate flower" is not a statement to be delivered in a roar if you want to be taken seriously.

Why must I have time to think "Oh shit" before my worst mistakes? Couldn't I just make the mistake and then have the insight?

I think if you can't say something nice about other people's pets then you should shut the hell up.

You know those people who think life was so much better when they were kids? They've forgotten that you had to ask permission to use the bathroom.

I like my sock drawer organized but my lingerie jumbled.

Flummoxed is just a damn funny word. So is squirrel.

My neighbor has taught a squirrel to hold a fist against his chest like he's flashing a gang sign for peanuts. This is the same neighbor who objected to his wife feeding the raccoons.

I had never seen an opossum up close until I moved out here. They're ugly. And that's coming from someone who thinks naked mole rats are kind of cute.

"Dude, it's not a trumpet." -my response to my son's attempt at a new breatfeeding technique.

I've been single-parenting it for the last three days while my husband was in St. Louis for his 15th high school reunion. I have always had the deepest respect for single parents and now I think it's a miracle that the suicide rate isn't higher. Last night I put my son to bed half an hour early because I was so tired and he can't tell time yet. Today I threw myself upon the mercy of a friend and stayed at her house for five hours. FIVE HOURS ya'll. Now, that's an awesome friend. After only three days on our own, our house looks like a disaster area. Or at least something that should have a quarrantine sign on it. But I did manage to get the baby into clean clothes all three days. And I even showered twice!

watching the WEG dressage coverage

2010-10-01T20:43:00.000-07:00

You know what's reassuring? Seeing these amazing international riders getting off of their horses and loosening the girth and running up the stirrups-just like everyone else.

Riding; Ketchup and Mustard; Cuteness

2010-09-30T22:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Internet, sorry I haven't updated since early tuesday morning. We've had a hectic week here. I had my first ride in over a year with Katie Schied at Sage Meadows. I got to ride Drifter, who is 26 and totally unflappable. Which was exactly what I needed. She started me out by instructing me to take two laps in two point. Um....what?! and HOW?! My boots, which I maintain have shrunk (and not that pregnancy weight gain made my legs bigger), were cutting off most of the blood circulation to my feet. Ow. And then there's all of those muscles I haven't used in ages. Ow. And THEN, there's the fact that even if I were in riding trim, I haven't ridden two point in years. Holy OW Batman! I made it one lap. We did some trotting and a little canter. And lots and lots of walking while I tried to breathe through the pain. At the moment I have my boots sitting and stretching so that they'll fit a bit better next week. And I've been attempting to do a little cardio every day. I'm really excited to go back next week. She studies with my favorite instructor so she brings a lot of what I'm looking for to the table. The one downside I forsee is the lack of an indoor riding space, and in the rainy northwest winters that could be problematic for me. Especially since riding in the rain with glasses is difficult!

On Wednesday I started a new group, Listening Mothers. My psychiatrist has been strongly recommending it to me since I had my baby. I'll probably have some more to say about it later but for now I'll leave it there.

Today I attempted to get the baby back on a nap schedule. He's had a fractious week and has been cranky. My friend, who has been staying with us was headed off for a big trip on Wednesday so the energy in the house has been a little more frenetic than usual. Also, Jon is leaving me alone with the baby while he flies home next weekend and I'm more than a bit freaked. Add this to the fact that we've had things sceduled during naptime all week and you end up with a mommy and baby who are having a difficult time coping.

Something I've been meaning to write about that I've found hilarious recently is the baby's preference for one breast over the other. This preference is subject to change at any moment-even during a feeding. I'm sure there's some perfectly reasonable biological explanation for this; probably having to do with position and milk flow. But all I can find to relate it to is ketchup vs. mustard. Currently, I have designated the right as ketchup and the left as mustard.

And finally, we reached an all new level of cute this evening. The baby had a containment failure and wet the bed. He woke up yelling and required a change of clothes and sheets. I sat down to nurse him while Jon changed the sheets. Jon finished and was leaving the room when the baby suddenly threw his head around, stretched out one arm and whimpered. Jon had to come back and hold him for several minutes before Edward would assent to be comforted and go back to sleep. This is the first time he has demanded comfort from both of us and it was so sweet it almost broke my heart. In other news he has learned how to pull the string to make his toy play music and will shortly be driving us crazy, so I'm glad we stopped to appreciate the cute while we could.

What Am I Getting Myself Into???

2010-09-28T07:16:00.000-07:00

I have my first ride in over a year today. I don't leave for another twenty or thirty minutes which leaves me plenty of time to obsess over this fact. I've chosen to take a few lessons with a new trainer. I know her from my volunteering days and I like her a lot. I've met at least one of her school horses and he's a great lesson horse. And still my anxiety had me up last night-sicker than a dog.

My body has changed so much since my last ride and I'm nervous about how that will affect everything. I'm really struggling with feeling too heavy to ride. It helped me to watch some of the Reining from WEG yesterday night. I saw many men riding smaller horses and they looked fine. But, oy. I know that the only way to get over this hump is just to do it. I'll let you know how it goes. Wish me luck Internet!

Well, Darn.

2010-09-14T18:41:00.000-07:00

I have a new quote to add to my favorites list: "To float away on a life-long song, in a mist where melody flies."

I was reading an article on finding a good in-home daycare. It turns out, my home is a terrible place for a child. I had nine out of the ten signs of a bad daycare. I don't have too rigid a schedule. That's the one thing I have going for me as a caregiver. Well, that and a lot of love.

This is the precise reason I don't read many parenting books or magazines. I prefer to get information and advice from other parents. Whenever I do, I end up feeling horrible and inadequate. And I'm neither. But damn, it's hard to remember that sometimes.

How I've Lived 'til Now

2010-08-20T13:44:00.000-07:00

"and i love you so,
people ask me how,
how i've lived til now,
i tell them i don't know"

Every now and then, like now for instance, there are moments when I sit and listen to my son breathe and marvel at the world and its mysteries. I am so in awe of this tiny being that came from me.

They said that I couldn't really know what it is to love unil I had a child.

They were wrong.

Because this love? This all-encompassing, nothing I wouldn't do for you, absolute devotion? It's how I love. When I really open my heart, I open it. It's that simple and that profound. Often the people I've given my heart to have no idea that I have. They're the kindred spirits in this world-the ones I meet and love for no real reason other than that I do.

You may not know who you are, but I hold you in my heart every day.

...

2010-08-19T21:49:00.000-07:00

I don't have a title for this post. I don't even really have a theme. Just some things that have been weighing on my mind.

Edward is almost six months old and I thought it would be easier by now. I thought I'd have become "that mom". The one who wears clothes and not pajamas, who showers every day, who can play with the baby and still get housework done, who has dinner ready for her husband most nights.

I'm not. I haven't cleaned my animal cages in several weeks. And they smell. I have clean laundry stacked up that I haven't managed to fold and put away (in fact there's a pile of it on my bed that I'm going to ignore tonight). I have dirty laundry piled up too. Mostly unsorted. There are baby toys and cat toys everywhere. Enough dust to make another cat. And I still haven't unpacked my garage from when we put the floors in.

And I'm struggling for this to be ok.

I expected more from myself.

I'm a good mother. I'm just not a very good housewife. And maybe that's ok too. But sometimes it's hard to tell when you're looking for a clean pair of socks.

Walked Right Into That One

2010-07-04T19:35:00.000-07:00

While playing Lego Harry Potter:

ME: Where does Hermione get Crookshanks [to appear] from anyway?

JON: Well, it is Hermione's pussy.

For those of you who may not have a visual to associate with this, in the LEGO games characters often sort of manifest objects they supposedly have on them. These objects are frequently bigger than said character and the character often seems to be grabbing them from his/her lower anatomy. Like Hermione's Time Turner that is bigger than her head and appeared to come from her ass.

Musings

2010-06-30T07:38:00.000-07:00

Something that has been bothering me for some time now:

Do vegans swallow?

I'd really like to know but I don't know any strict vegans to ask. Do any of you?

As for the baby front, things are going pretty well. He's had several bouts of constipation which has made him a bit cranky. I continue to really enjoy being a stay at home mom, which still surprises me. I get to hang out with this cool little man all day. Nine pm is about the time I'm done with him though. Nine rolls around and I begin to wonder why there is still a baby on me. Jon usually takes bedtime for this reason. Naps continue to be confusing and challenging as they vary in duration and number. In the last week or so he seems to be settling into a system of nap, eat, activity, snack, nap. This works well for me so I'm trying to encourage it.

My in-laws were in town for a week and it was a surprisingly nice visit. Last time they would only hold the baby if he was clean and sleeping; but in the intervening months they seem to have remembered that they raised two children and they were really helpful this time. Our main problem continues to be that, other than Jon, we don't have a lot in common. I don't follow politics particularly and we don't like the same shows or movies. I don't know the people they talk about and vice versa so we usually end up sitting around and staring at one another. This visit, instead of staring at me they sat and interacted with the baby. Phew! It was a tremendous relief. I often feel pressured to try and entertain them which can be difficult. My mom will go and read a book and my dad will take himself off to go do something when he's bored but I can't tell when my in-laws are bored or just hanging out. They babysat one evening for us and we got to have a lovely dinner at The Melting Pot and go grocery shopping. It was so relaxing. And one night Jon and Edward took them out to dinner and I had the entire house to myself for four hours. It was AWESOME! I hadn't been alone in the house for any length of time since Edward was born. I plan to have Jon take him out for several hours at least once a month now. I had a glass of wine, took off my pants (one of the downsides of houseguests is that you have to wear pants), and watched a movie and read a book.

I still really want to know if vegans swallow.

A Crap-tacular Day

2010-06-25T23:14:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up feeling sick (possibly as a result of having eaten too much yesterday) and ended up spending the majority of the morning and early afternoon having horrible diarrhea and intestinal cramps. The baby had his vaccinations yesterday and wasn't feeling too chipper today either. He wanted lots of nursing and cuddling and, unfortunately, I just wasn't up to it. It took me more than an hour and a half to change his diaper, get him dressed, and fed. During this time I made 8 or 9 trips to the bathroom. And once, while I was attempting to finish putting on his clean clothes, I experienced a bit of containment failure. Yup, I crapped my pants a little.

After all of that I was hoping the baby would take a nap but he wanted to play. So I put him in his crib with his playmat and tried to make a little something to eat. I returned to find that he had crapped his pants a whole lot and it was now all over his pants, shirt, playmat, sheet, and mattress. Before I could even attempt to clean him up though I had to run to the bathroom for me again. This was when I called my husband to come home from work. By the time he arrived home, I had the baby bathed, the clothes and linens in the washing machine, and the child was asleep. But at least he was there and that made me feel a tiny bit better.

All in all, a most crap-tacular day.

Finding Our Own Style

2010-06-10T12:13:00.001-07:00

One of the hardest things for me about becoming a parent has been filtering through the wealth of information to find what works for me. For example, new moms are encouraged to get out and see people, to ge involved in groups, and to socialize with other new moms. This is supposed to help the new mother with feelings of isolation. And I'm sure that it does.

However, I hate large groups of strangers. I forced myself to attend the mother/baby class at the hospital three or four times. And I learned some great information. I've watched my friend S. mother over the last year and she is always involved in something. She's an excellent mother and I tried to emulate her by attempting to "get involved". Which was when I came face to face with the reality that my friend is an extrovert in the extreme and I, well, I'm not. I like poeple. But I really don't like large groups-especially of people I don't know. I've had to really struggle to come to a place where that's okay for me in my new role as a mother.

I'm not exactly sure why I thought motherhood would change this particular personality trait but I did. Instead I've reconnected with an old friend who recently had a baby as well and we're meeting once a week to take a walk and talk. There are usually three of us and it's lovely. Yesterday I took the baby with me to a coffee house where we sat and I read a book and nursed him for awhile. Today, in stark contrast, I have holed up in the bedroom with the baby, a playmat, a burp rag, my book and my computer. I've turned off the phones and we're having a lovely afternoon-just the two of us. And it's perfect.

I've known for a lot of years now that I need a lot of down time to stay happy. And I'm finally figuring out how to find that as a mother too.

P.S. Thanks for Leather Furniture

2010-05-19T06:30:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I was attempting to drink while breastfeeding and, typically of me, I forgot to swallow and then breathe. So I started choking and coughing, still valiantly trying to hold the baby, and ended up wetting my pants. Which made me laugh, which made me cough harder, which made me wet my pants. I holler for my husband, who can't understand what I'm saying with all the coughing and sputtering and laughing; and finally manage to make him understand that I need him to take the baby so I can clean up. I unlatch the baby, hand him off and begin attempting to clean the couch. Of course, by now, my milk had let down and was dripping everywhere I was trying to clean. I did get it all cleaned up and finished feeding the baby.

It was one of those moments when I realized that a lot of things about motherhood are weird and gross and hilarious.

And also that I'm so glad we have leather furniture.

And Jon, stop laughing.

How to Get Back in the Saddle in Just 30 Steps.

2010-05-13T22:46:00.000-07:00

1. Heal posterior portions of anatomy.
2. Take brisk walk to test step one.
3. Return to step one and actually heal.
4. Test step one again by sitting on hard chair and wiggling.
5. Declare yourself ready and start telling friends and family that you're going to call the trainer.
6. Attempt to remember where you packed away your breeches.
7. Find the only pair of breeches without an elastic waistband. Look at your changed figure. Put breeches in back of closet and look for other breeches.
8. Research trainers online just in case you might want to make a change.
9. Take breeches back out of closet. Lay them on bed. Consider trying them on. Return them to closet.
10. Worry about childcare during your lesson. Have spouse reassure you that he will take the baby while you ride.
11. Look at breeches in back of closet. Look at waist. Laugh.
12. Drive to tack store to buy new breeches.
13. Read price tag of new breeches. Laugh. Resolve to find your other breeches.
14. Return home. Try on breeches.
15. Remember they used to zip. Wipe off tears and throw breeches in back of closet.
16. Sob all over spouse who has come running to see what is wrong that you are now too heavy to ride a horse.
17. Let spouse tell you that other adults ride horses all the time. Adults that weigh more than you currently do.
18. Spouse is an idiot and clearly doesn't know anything. Feel free to employ dramatic gesture.
19. Find other breeches in the box you checked first and thought you had searched thoroughly.
20. Put on breeches. Look in mirror.
21. Remind yourself that many people who weigh more than you ride horses every day.
22. Finally call trainer and schedule lesson.
23. Have panic attack at the thought of going out in public in breeches.
24. Offset panic attack with the thrill of going out in public without the baby.
25. Arrive at barn.
26. Tack up horse.
27. Walk horse to arena.
28. Return horse to barn to put on piece of tack you've forgotten.
29. Walk horse to arena. Look at mounting block and distance to saddle.
30. Fumble through mounting and finally manage to heave yourself into the saddle.

Success! You are ready for your first lesson post-baby!

The Cute is Killing Me

2010-04-28T08:10:00.001-07:00

Inevitability

2010-04-27T17:08:00.000-07:00

Inevitability: the cleanup of cat food dumped in random location by cat and placing said food in garbage can. Only to find cat has dumped over trash can to get at food cleaned up yesterday.

and also, if you eat popcorn while breastfeeding, sooner or later you're going to have to clean popcorn out of someone's ear.

Dear Edward

2010-03-21T16:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Edward,
While I respect your growing interest in the world-at-large, may I point out to you that mommy still needs to nap between feeding even if you have decided (at the grand old age of three and a half weeks) that you no longer need to? The management would greatly appreciate a return to more napping, or if not, at least working on a reliable feeding schedule, thus enabling others to nap.
Sincerely,
The management

The Birth Story

2010-03-16T19:44:00.000-07:00

Warning: I'm not editing this for content. Please read at your own discretion...

Monday the 22nd of February I began having regular contractions every 20 minutes.

Ok, to back up a little, we moved back into our house on Saturday and got the upstairs mopped and dusted and the TV plugged back in. Hey, we have our priorities! I had some fluid leakage so I spent Sunday and Monday on bed rest. Jon built the crib Sunday night just in case.

Back to Monday, Jon was timing my ctx and kept asking me if we should pack a bag. Was I sure I didn't want him to pack a bag? Shouldn't we at least set up the car seat???

And I said, No, women can stall out having ctx at 20 minute intervals for weeks. This is not labor, quit worrying. And at midnight I was standing on the front porch telling him to quit screwing around with the car seat and come to bed. This wasn't labor and we should get some sleep.

Imagine my surprise when I awoke at 2:30 AM on Tuesday and my ctx were exactly 4 minutes apart. I timed them for an hour and then woke Jon up and asked him, very meekly, to please pack a bag. We called the midwife and she told us to hang out at home and come in around 5 AM. And so we called our friend Sarah to meet us there. I had planned to have my mother and several other friends with me during labor but my mom was still in IL (baby wasn't due until 3/15 and so she had a plane ticket for 3/8), my neighbor had had surgery Monday, and my other friends were at work. So, Sarah met us at the birth center and stayed with us for several hours offering her support before heading to work.

Labor progressed pretty normally until I reached 6 cm of dilation. At this point, around 1 PM, it stalled out. I was only having one ctx every 15 or 20 minutes. And so we put on our coats and spent the next three hours walking around the building outside and climbing up and down the stairs. And my ctx would pick back up again, we would go inside and they would stop again. Around 4:30 or 5 we talked to the midwife and made the decision to go to the hospital to get some pictocin and get labor going again.

I was hysterical about having to start labor all over again but Jon kept reminding me that I would start at 6 cm, not 0. In other words, I wasn't going to have to do the whole day over again. (Hey, no one ever claimed women in labor were completely rational.)

And so we packed up and drove the four blocks to the hospital where I was admitted. The nurses promptly put in an IV port and began strapping monitors to my belly. These were large, unwieldy things that crept out of position every time I moved. Then the doctors would lose the baby's heartbeat and freak out. This was especially frustrating as the positions that were most comfortable for me in labor were on my hands and knees or sitting on the ball leaning forward onto the bed, and these positions kept pushing the monitors out of the way.

Eventually the doctor came in and placed a monitor on top of the baby's head in the canal. And may I just express to you how uncomfortable getting that in there was? Ouch. I quickly over the course of the day learned to hate the statement "let's see how far along you are". This statement was inevitably followed by someone shoving their entire hand into my vagina and trying to see how many fingers they could wedge through my cervix. I have no idea why everyone wanted to rape me with their hands but they did and I didn't like it. But I digress, the monitor worked pretty well, except that the cord wasn't long enough and so it kept coming out of the box taped to my thigh. Which then lost the baby's heartbeat again. After a few ctx the monitor fell off the head. We had to place this damn thing three times people. THREE TIMES. This is a lot of times to have someone trying to maneuver their hand your vagina.

Eventually I reached 9.5 cm dilation. And then I had this stupid bit of cervix that wouldn't efface. I labored for an hour and still no dice. By this time I had discovered that the agonizing pain in my pelvis was due to the fact that Edward was posterior (in lay-man's terms he was face up). This meant that the back of his head was attempting to lever my sacrum in a manner that it was not designed for. At one point I remember deciding that I could crawl away from this pain and I began attempting to scale the bed or climb off the side.

And finally I broke down and asked for the epidural. I was exhausted and frustrated and I decided I needed some help. After less than ten ctx I had medicine numbing my back. As soon as that happened I was able to relax and deal with the ctx that I could still feel. I had one quarter of my abdomen that never did go numb but since I was so close to pushing we decided to leave it be.

After thirty or so minutes of rest with the epidural it was time to begin pushing. They brought in the mirror for me so that I could see. And here's the funny thing; my biggest fear about birth was getting fecal matter on the baby, and in fact it was helpful to see the material that sometimes came out as it meant that I was using the right muscles to push! I pushed for two hours with the head right on the verge of coming out. Finally the nurse called the doctor about the possibility of a vacuum extraction. Which we ended up doing. He told the nurse to give me another hit of the epidural (which by this point had worn off) and told me that this was going to hurt. And it did, even through the epidural. He placed the vacuum and pulled three or four times and finally Edward's head made it out of my pelvis. After that it was cake. He was born at 3:20 AM on Wednesday the 24th.

Edward was whisked over to the warming tray and worked on. Jon was able to cut the cord. I had to stay put and get many stitches. It felt like forever before I finally got to hold my new baby but Jon eventually got the OK to bring him over. He was 6 lbs even and 19 inches long. He was beautiful but had a furry little cap where the vacuum was. By the afternoon that had gone away however, just leaving my perfect little boy. He had low blood sugar and had to go upstairs to the NICU for several hours. He quickly learned that anyone coming for his foot was going to prick him and draw blood. We had some more adventures with the hospital and some huge frustrations that I'll share in a later post.

The Baby Has Arrived

2010-03-01T18:27:00.000-08:00

Yup, he's here. Three weeks early. I'll write more in detail about the birth and what has been happening since then. Right now we're enjoying having a newborn and getting all the sleep we're able to!

Not For The Easily Embarrassed

2010-02-18T14:43:00.000-08:00

I give you fair warning-this post is explicit. If you are the type who is easily embarrassed or who is related to me, you may wish to skip reading it.

That having been said...

One of the things that no one ever tells you about getting married is that it takes multiple people to use the restroom in a wedding gown. Personally, this is the first thing I talk to prospective brides about because it was the one thing no one told me about and figuring it out took several tries. There's a reason you have your very dearest friends in your bridal party-it's so that one can hold up the dress and the other can tell you when you're over the toilet.

One of the things no one told me about being pregnant was that there would come a time when washing would become difficult. Usually I soap and then lean back a little to allow good water coverage for rinsing. Trouble is, even when I lean back the water doesn't really get there. I've tried spreading my behind and attempting it that way but it doesn't really rinse that way either. I've had to give up and use a washcloth. Also, I haven't actually scrubbed my feet in about two weeks because I don't have the balance. I can't see them so I just assume they're getting pretty clean standing in the water.

Putting on pants is fun too. Edward has his head pretty firmly in my pelvis - at least the midwives can't find it when they palpate it so we assume that's where it is. If I give birth to a baby with no head that'll be something else entirely. But I digress, Edward is vertical. And his back is facing out toward my stomach. This means he doesn't bend particularly well. It literally feels like I have a cement block in my abdomen that I'm trying to bend around. I can lift my legs up, but I can't bend in half. Thus, I stand and contemplate my balance for several long moments before quickly lifting a leg and shoving it into my pants. Then I repeat this procedure for the other leg. My husband assures me it looks as silly as I think it does. I may have to admit defeat soon and begin sitting down to get dressed. I'm still putting on socks but it gets more difficult every day and I think I may be rapidly approaching the horizon where if I don't have help I may just go barefoot in my shoes. I suppose all of this is to teach me to ask for and accept help before the baby comes so that I'll be used to it.

Last night I was having contractions most of the night. Lots of pressure in my abdomen meant I kept having to get up to use the restroom. The contraction part meant I couldn't find a comfortable place to sleep in between visits. It was a very long night. My only consolation is that, judging by his movements, Edward thought it sucked just as much. I did finally manage to get some relatively uniterrupted sleep this morning for a few hours and I'm lucky enough to be able to nap this afternoon so I shouldn't complain too much; but, hey, it's my blog and I'll whine if I want to.

We have to move out of the hotel tomorrow and poor Jon will be back to sleeping in bed with me. Everyone take a moment to pity the man because I get up and down more than the cats do. In fact, he may end up bedding down on the spare bed with the cats to get some rest. Thank heavens for king sized beds since I now require at least three or four pillows to get comfortable. We get to bring home our cats on Saturday and we need to pick up the rats tomorrow. We should be able to meet up with our friends who've been watching the guinea pigs and the birds sometime soon as well so I'll have my animal family back together again. And then we just need to pick some paint colors, order our new ikea furniture and reassemble the house! Piece of cake right?! I get exhausted just contemplating it. At least it's all of our stuff and it's in our garage and we can take our time unpacking.

And I may not have mentioned it lately, or you know, ever, but I'm so looking forward to finally meeting this little cement block. I cannot wait to see his cute little pointed head!

And You Thought Prophylactics Were Embarrassing

2010-02-15T15:54:00.000-08:00

Today the fun of pregnancy hit an all new level when I went to the pharmacy and picked up some supplies for birth.

First I stocked up on the Preparation H, and then the stool softener (I'm told it's a neccessity for the first few days post-birth).

And then Internet, I got to go to the incontinence aisle and find pads and underwear. Awesome. There are these nifty pads that spread out flat and are waterproof. These were recommended for putting on the bed before labor in case your water breaks while you're in bed, and then after to absorb any lochia leaks. And let me tell you, you haven't begun to have fun until you're standing there reading the Depends packaging to try to figure out which size you need.

I also returned to my car after lunch to find that someone had parked too close to my car on the driver's side for me to get in. Fortunately, I was able to climb in on the passenger side and climb over the center console. It was neither pretty nor graceful. 36 weeks pregnant is not the time to be attempting to climb over anything...

Yup, it was a banner day.

Still So Pregnant

2010-02-14T19:43:00.001-08:00

I'm still pregnant. I caught a cold last week that I'm pretty sure has left me with a sinus infection. This is in addition to the nasal swelling that I've had for the duration of my pregnancy. Hooray. Now I can't breathe AND it hurts. Wow, how much fun are we having? This time I went ahead and took tylenol sinus during the worst of the cold. I noticed that the baby's movements slowed down those days so I only used it during the worst three days. He's back to randomly knocking me around so I'm pretty sure he's fine. My sinuses were so swollen that for those three days even my husband commented on it. You know you're sick when your husband notices your facial swelling.

Tomorrow I'm off to the doctor in hopes of obtaining meds for the sinus infection. At least the visible swelling has gone down.

I'm retaining fluids like a crazy thing though so my hands and feet look like sausages. And I ache all over. My joints continue to soften and loosen and my pelvis is moving quite a bit. I'm so ready for labor to start.

I'm also convinced that I'm giving birth to Gumby. That or a baby whose major parts are connected with silly putty. This is the only explanation I can come up with for the fact that I'm frequently getting pummeled in three disparate places simultaneously.

Have I mentioned that I'm ready to be done?

Final Baby Class

2010-02-03T13:56:00.000-08:00

This week's class was also our last class (yay!) and it went well. We got a lot of really helpful information about the first few weeks postpartum and how to cope with all of that. We did have a thirty minute labor practice (it was scripted and everything) but she passed it out and let us talk through it on our own. So Jon and I discussed a few things, I got a back rub, and then we were done. The script even called for you to look at your partner and announce, "I can't do this anymore." and then see what your partner would say. Jon said, "OK, let's go home." Which I guarantee will happen at least once during labor. Most likely followed by a "But since we're here why not have another contraction while I have someone look for the keys."

Our flooring materials are being delivered today. For whatever reason the company decided it would be better to make three trips from Tukwila to Kirkland with one crew, instead of multiple trucks or one crew and one really big truck. The first load didn't arrive until twelve thirtyish so they're not doing very well. I don't think the third load is arriving today since I'm still waiting for the second.

We had friends over last night for dinner and then they helped Jon move stuff to the garage and disassemble our china cabinet. Thanks guys, you rock! I'm feeling better now that I can see a bit of progress and I think Jon is too. Although he's still upset because he doesn't think he's getting enough done here or at work. If we ever do this again I will suggest that we schedule it a little more carefully and he can use a couple of vacation days.

I'm really looking forward to my trip this weekend. I'm going to Salish Lodge on Sunday and staying til Tuesday morning. While there, I'm having several spa treatments. Should be an awesome time!

muttering

2010-01-31T23:02:00.001-08:00

There's been a lot of muttering going on recently. Mostly, it's curse words. And threats about spanking the baby with large wet noodles. And then some more cursing.

Remember that brief week and a half or so just past the first trimester when everything felt pretty good and the GI stuff went away? Or the couple of weeks I had at the beginning of the third trimester when I felt great? Yeah, me too. Fondly. The party is once again over.

Heartburn like you would not believe coupled with insane acid reflux. Antacids are helping but not solving this problem. My GI tract has slowed down again too so even though I'm starving there's literally no room to put food. So I'm constipated, followed by massive bouts of intestinal cramping and diarrhea. Awesome. It's like the first trimestser, only so much more uncomfortable because now there's a FREAKING HUMAN BEING in my abdomen. Not a cute little sea-monkey sized one either, but a freaking baby-sized human being with limbs that poke out at odd angles all the time.

I now have feet in my diaphragm and for those of you who think that might be a euphemism for something sexy-NO. Actual pointy little baby feet sticking into my muscle. So that when I forget about them and take a deep breath, I slam the muscle into tiny pointy feet and it HURTS.

A lot.

Add to this the wonder that is the baby attempting to screw his head into position several times a day against my pelvic floor and I'm just not a very happy camper these days. I know women who LOVE being pregnant. I'm not one of them. Four weeks of feeling great and enjoying pregnancy vs. 30 weeks of misery. It certainly has been what you could call an interesting experience and I'm sure it will be worth it when I have a baby to hold; but, oy with the discomfort and the ready for this to be done already!

Also, have I mentioned there's a FREAKING HUMAN BEING living in me? My body may have been designed with a rental unit built in but I'm really, really, really, REALLY ready to have it back to myself now.

Class 3

2010-01-28T12:46:00.000-08:00

Class this week was neither terribly fun or funny. Sorry gang. We practiced variable breathing while in a squat position which had the effect of making me hyperventilate. The position meant that Edward's feet shoved against my diaphragm and caused it to begin spasming. And then my body reacted to all of this by deciding that we needed a good old-fashioned panic attack to go with everything else. I had to excuse myself from class and take a walk.

I'm supposed to be practicing squatting as I couldn't do it in class for any length of time. Trouble is, my knees don't do squatting. They haven't since I was a kid. I know if I practice holding this position my legs will get stronger, but I'm not sure I can stand the pain in my knees that practicing will cause.

Mostly I'm just glad that we have one more class left. Although this is the class where, instead of practicing two or three contractions, I believe she's left us an entire hour to "practice". Great. I continue to find this whole practice thing not very helpful. If she'll just let us choose the positions that are comfortable for us I can probably take a nap. One can only hope.

We have a definite date for the installation of our new floors! They should be starting February 9. This means that we now have a hard deadline for emptying the house. And that I have dates to call the spa with.

My poor cats are not handling the packing well at all. They are excessively displeased that all of their furniture keeps disappearing and that there are boxes everywhere. This has created cats that are unusally clingy and demanding. It's going to kind of a lousy couple of months for them. First, the house is emptying, then they're off to the kennel, and when they get home we'll be unpacking and assembling new furniture from Ikea (we're getting a day bed for guests and a series of shelves for the living room), and THEN, just when it seems like it's all over, a baby is going to descend upon the household. Since I know this is coming I'm a lot more patient with the cling than I normally would be. And it's nice to get to spend some time loving on them without a baby to worry about.

We've Gone Vertical

2010-01-25T16:50:00.000-08:00

Well, within the last week or so the baby has re-oriented himself vertically. Up until this time he preferred to spend most of his time sideways.

Actually, he REALLY wanted to spend all of his time curled up on my pelvic floor like a little baby rabbit in a nest but that hasn't been physically possible in months. Not that this has kept him from making the attempt at least 15 times a day however. It turns out, you can't just push on the iliac crests to move them. Who knew?!

But anyway, we are mostly vertical all the time now and I'm finally joining the ranks of those who can't get a deep breath. (When I can breathe through my stuffy sinuses that is) And those whose stomachs are now moved involuntarily causing sudden nausea or reflux. Isn't that fun? And yesterday I tied my last pair of shoes for awhile. Thank goodness for elastic band tennis shoes that I can wear barefoot because putting on socks takes me almost as long as it does to find my phone and my house keys. At least I can still put on my socks. My husband has graciously offered to put on my socks and tie my shoes. And, Internet, I may actually take him up on it. Sigh. I've also given up taking the stairs and am using elevators. And when the teenage bagboy offers to help me out with my groceries I'm so grateful I could kiss him.

Getting things off of the ground has become an all new process as well. I thought it was uncomfortable to bend over while he was sideways-it actually causes pain now. If I need to pick something up I have kneel down for it. And then I have to crawl over to a piece of furniture sturdy enough to get myself back off the floor. (I quit being able to stand up easily even with assistance about two weeks ago.) So, if something ends up on the ground, I find myself staring at it and contemplating how badly I actually need/want it. Is this something I can go to another room and find without the effort of getting onto the floor? And once I'm on the ground I do that thing old people joke about where you look around to see if anything else needs doing while you're there. I used to think this joke was funny-ha-ha. Now I know it's laugh-because- otherwise-you'd-cry-funny.

I find I'm looking forward to postpartum pain and discomfort just because it will be a new pain and discomfort. And then I can have the fun of comparing it to the pain and discomfort of pregnancy. See, it opens up an entirely new world of conversational possibilities! I pointed this out to my husband who looked vaguely ill and made an mmmhphphmm sort of noise. I chose to belive this means he's excited about this too.

We have finally chosen flooring for the house. Yes, the flooring that we have been planning to install since we bought the house five or six years ago is finally coming! Who knew that my husband just needed a deadline? We found a stranded bamboo floor that is just a solid chunk of stranded bamboo, instead of being layered like other engineered flooring products. The nice people at Simple Floors are installing it in early February. This means we're packing up the house. At least we can leave the kitchen stuff, the bathrooms, and the large furniture pieces in the house. We have to move out for approximately a week and a half though. To celebrate and as an incentive to keep packing, Jon is sending me to the spa for two days and nights. We dropped of a check on Sunday and are just waiting for them to finalize delivery and install dates. The cats are going to the kennel. The fish are staying in a bathroom or on the kitchen counter. The birds and guinea pigs are staying with some friends in Snohomish. Sadly, my rats are still without a temporary home. I'd really prefer not to leave them in the house so I told Jon he needed to ask his friends as mine have all declined to take them. I had never considered that some pets are hard to find sitters for. But rats are tricky evidently.

At any rate. It is now seventeen minutes past my five o'clock naptime so I'm going to join my cats in a brief snooze. I had grand plans of putting away some laundry before Jon got home but instead I wrote this blog post. We have our third of four birth classes tonight and I'm sure there'll be something funny about it tomorrow. So far, what I've really learned from these classes is that Jon and I should not be allowed to sit together. If we ever go to a couples' seminar this will be a valuable piece of information. However, since Jon hates group therapy I rank my chances of taking up smoking crack higher than ever using this intell. Ok, I've also learned that all of those years of intestinal cramping and IBS have prepared me for labor techniques. We have yet to go over anything non-medicinal that I haven't at some point tried. At least having had undiagnosed food allergies for over ten years may come in handy for something. I suppose no knowledge is ever really wasted. We have our tour of the hospital tonight and then I believe we're supposed to be practicing more contractions. I continue to see the good in getting into and out of some positions since movement is getting more complicated the farther along we go. But I fail to see how I am supposed to be preparing msyelf for the effort/discomfort/pain/pick your favorite word of a contraction by thinking about it and imaging what it will be like. And I'm a fairly imaginative person. Even Jon seems to understand this idea better than I do! Which is such a role-reversal that I'm surprised the world is still turning.

Abnormal Psyche?

2010-01-20T17:35:00.000-08:00

In birth class on Monday we practiced contractions. For those of you who find this an odd statement (and believe me, I did), this means that the instructor would announce that a contraction was starting and take us through the timing and the breathing until she announced it was done. During this we were supposed to be picturing the baby during a contraction. In the depths of my inner mind I saw a large yellow Wellington boot shoving my baby out of my body. I'm not sure why a YELLOW Wellington or even how the boot got into my body in the first place but I'm fairly certain this does not bode well for my kid's chances of growing up even remotely "normal".

One of Those Days

2010-01-15T15:10:00.000-08:00

I'm having one of those days when my marriage is so awesome, so perfect; that I wish all of my friends could be married to us too. This happens a lot more frequently than I'd ever admit. And one of the things I'm not looking foward to about having a baby is that I'm pretty sure it's going to implode a little. The marriage I mean, not the baby. Although if we do get an imploding baby that would certainly be noteworthy. I really believe that we'll be a stronger couple but I'm pretty sure first things are going to go a bit pear-shaped.

But yeah, today it's pretty much perfect and I wish you could all be a part of it. It's exhilirating to feel so confident of being loved and cherished. And knowing someone is there you can depend upon, no matter what else may happen. I continue to hope that I bring at least a bit of that into every friendship I have.

I ask you Internet, who wouldn't want to be married to this face?

"Misserable Being Must Find More Miserable Being"

2010-01-11T21:18:00.000-08:00

Tonight we had our first birth class. And it's true, misery does love company. As soon as the women began sharing about our symptoms, I immediately felt better that other women were just as uncomfortable as I am!

We spent a lot of time talking about our perceptions of labor and the stages of birth.

And then we had a guided meditation. This is where it all began to go terribly wrong for Jon and I.

We were supposed to be picturing what our baby looked like and suddenly all I could see in my head was this cartoon monkey throwing food. If you've read the fourth volume of "Flight", it's the monkey from the camp spirit animal cartoon. I managed to suppress the giggling that time.

But then we were supposed to be thinking of all the things our baby could hear and I really, really needed to fart. But we're all lying there quietly and thinking of sounds and I was trying so hard not to let it slip. And that's when the outright snorting began. Which of course set Jon off.

So, there we were, both of us trying not to disturb anyone while laughing our asses off. And we mostly had it under control - until the end of class when she told us we were going to play-act labor for our fourth class (Jon whispers to me "Oh god, they're wearing their armor.")in order to practice the techniques we'd learned (and Jon whispers "Maybe we should run around outside and level up some more first.") If you haven't seen the online cartoon I'm referring to, you definitely should look it up.

But yeah, that's when we totally lost it. Thus cementing our standing as the ones unable to take class seriously...

Better Living Through Chemistry

2009-12-17T17:19:00.001-08:00

I've shared a bit on this blog about my anxiety disorder and depression. Everyone handles things differently, but I've found medication to be of great assistance in keeping my life on an even keel. When I first began talking about having a baby both my obgyn and my psychiatrist told me I would need to quit taking my medication. This was very upsetting for me and I began doing research. I decided that, for me, the risk of stopping my meds was greater than the risk to the baby of continuing them. After all, you can't have a baby if you've committed suicide. Thus, I began shopping for new doctors. And I've found them. I have a very supportive team of midwives, and, more importantly, a new psychiatrist who specializes in pre and post natal care. About six weeks ago, my anxiety got much worse. It was so bad that I spent most of the day sitting very still and trying not to have hysterics. We upped my current medication but I was still having problems sleeping and with anxiety. We then added a second medication which was supposed to help me sleep at night and help with the anxiety during the day. And it has helped with the anxiety. However, I'm still only sleeping two or three hours at a time. If I can get a solid hour stretch I'm in heaven (this from someone who usually needs eight or ten hours just to feel human!). I'm going to try a higher dose of the new medication for the next few weeks and then we'll talk about adding something else for sleep. In the meantime, at least my anxiety is SO much better. I'm alert and interested in the world again which is fantastic. I'm getting some work done around the house, and I'm excited about having a baby again. I lost that for awhlie when I was anxious and depressed. And at least I know that we have a plan to get me some sleep, even if it's not for another few weeks. On the bright side, one of my biggest worries about having a newborn was dealing with the lack of sleep and I've proven to myself that I can handle it. It may not be particularly graceful or pretty, but I CAN do it.

I'm certainly not advocating medication during pregnancy for everyone; but I hope that if you have symptoms which are interfering with your life, then you'll find a good doctor and get help.

Thinking and Wishing and Hoping and Praying

2009-10-09T07:49:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been missing horses. A lot. I'm not riding currently and I miss it. I'm also not volunteering at Little Bit Therapuetic Riding Center in classes right now so I don't even get to groom! My friends who have horses either live farther than I really want to drive, or they keep them at the old barn where I am persona non grata. I never really made the kind of friends at the new barn that you can call and say, "hey, I really miss horses, can I come and lean on yours for awhile?"

This has led me to spending a great deal of time on the internet, looking at sales ads and thinking about what I'm looking for in my next equine partner. Not that I'll be getting one for quite some time. Sadly, we're at LEAST a year out from that idea. My husband has agreed that I can start riding lessons again as soon as I'm feeling physically fit but he worries about me meeting time committments with both the horse and the baby at first. Which is a fair concern but not one I like to admit to. I will confess to you, Internet, that this is concern of mine as well. I want to be responsible horse owner and I can't afford to have someone work my horse multiple days a week so I need to be in a position to do so. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. In the meantime, I've been thinking and imagining my "perfect" horse.

No, not perfect in the sense of never misbehaves; but perfect in the sense of ideally suited to me. This becomes a far more interesting problem when I realize I'm not even sure what my life will be like in a year. I have no idea what kind of free time I'll have or be able to create for myself. I do know that I will want horses in my life.

I've had so many well-meaning people tell me to just give it up, that I won't be able to ride while my child is young, or even get back to riding at all! It seems like everyone knows someone who had a baby and disappeared forever from the equine world. I don't see that happening in my case. If my love of horses and my desire to ride has survived discovering boys and going to college and getting married and having a job; then I simply don't see this aspect of my life disappearing. I may make a decision to only ride once or twice a week in lessons for awhile for everyone's sanity but I do think I'll own a horse again. My non-horsey friends don't understand the appeal and just nod and say "oh, but wait until the baby comes, then you'll feel differently." My horsey friends also just nod and say "oh, but wait until the baby comes, then you'll feel differently." This happens until I want to scream!

But then I take a deep breath and go to my happy place-a cosy stall on a crisp fall afternoon with a happy horse eating hay-and I remember that I get to choose how to spend my free time. Which only leads me back again to considering my next horse.

Next time I would like a horse who is not as spooky. I don't like spooking in general, but legitimately scary things (not, for example, a shadow) happen in the world and I accept that. I would like a horse who just needs to look at something for a moment and then can continue on. I want a horse who is physically up to the work of lower-level dressage. I would like a horse that has a higher level of training than I do (given that I was just about up to first level work this doesn't seem unobtainable on my budget). Oh, and I'd like a horse that I can afford to keep. Something with good, strong feet who stands politely for the farrier. A horse that is great for the vet and enjoys the grooming process. I'd like smooth gaits that are easy for me to sit. I want a horse that enjoys his/her job. And I want a horse that likes spending time with me.

Oh yes, and I want it all within my budget!

But, in the meantime, I'll settle for books and magazines and the internet. And, next spring, an understanding trainer with solid school horses.

I'm Becoming a Mouth-Breather

2009-09-23T16:41:00.001-07:00

And I blame the baby for this. Evidently pregnancy causes your sinuses to swell. No one told me about this. Which is good because I might have changed my mind if I had known I would have a sinus headache everyday for six months! Ugh. Afrin and I are becoming quite good friends. As it wears off however, my nasal passages close and I find myself breathing through my mouth on a regular basis.

Yes Internet, I am become a mouth-breather. Oh, Huzzah!

Yesterday was our eighth anniversary and to celebrate we went to dinner at The Melting Pot, which is a fondue restaurant. With my allergies we have to skip the cheese and chocolate but we had good salads and an awesome main course. And while we were there a family sat down across the aisle from us with a baby who couldn't have been more than a week old. I melted and Jon pointed out THAT was the goal here. Sometimes I get so bogged down in not feeling well that I forget we're having a baby! An actual baby! Which is frightening and amazing and awe-inspiring!

But I still hate the mouth-breathing!

Winning the Fight

2009-09-21T09:47:00.000-07:00

The baby continues in its efforts to make me throw up. Just about every evening at 8:30 the battle begins!

Now, I'm very proud that I have not yet given in to this physical demand. I would rather wear wet underwear AND wet socks than throw up. And since we began the second trimester, I have been feeling better most of the day. However, every evening (well, 6 out of 7), the gagging begins. Internet, I cannot express to you how difficult this makes falling asleep!

In addition to this challenge, my abdomen aches nearly all the time. I know this is normal, as my uterus expands and my ligaments loosen; but, oy, it aches! I can't get comfortable and if I do finally manage it, then I wake up gagging or I have to get out of bed to use the bathroom! I'm so over these symptoms already and we have many more months to go (March!).

On the plus side, last night I sneezed and the baby rolled around for about 35 seconds! I've felt it move before but it's been like trying to catch minnows with your hand-a quick flash or wriggle and then it's gone. But last night, I could feel it very clearly. And then I gagged and had to get out of bed to pee....

Ugh...My First Cold

2009-08-30T10:14:00.001-07:00

I have my first pregnancy cold. And I'm miserable. To make matters worse, my brother is visiting from Chicago and I feel so awful. And can I take any real drugs? Of course not! So, I'm muddling along with my Afrin and my Tylenol. Ugh...I went to the doctor yesterday in the hope of getting an anti-viral but the doctor (not my usual dr.) said I'd have to wait it out.

In the meantime, my nausea is slowly getting much better and I'm starting to have an appetite again. I'm pretty much always hungry, much to my husband's amusement and my brother's amazement. I eat every hour and a half to two hours; although I'm not eating as much at a time as I usually do. I keep forgetting this fact however and ending up with a ton of food left on my plate. I'm managing much better with my bosom at night and it only tries to strangle me every other night or so. I'm showing already. I'm only 12 weeks pregnant (on this coming Tuesday)! I'm a bit nervous about how large I'm going to end up.

I packed up all of my horse stuff and stored it away in the garage. I found some mold on my good saddle which was frustrating. I've cleaned and conditioned it and will check it periodically. I plan to bring it into the house when the winter rainy season really kicks in to try and avoid and further mold damage. I've also had my last day as an official Little Bit Therapeutic Riding Center class volunteer for awhile. All of this has combined to leave me a bit down. My husband keeps reminding me that we will, eventually, buy another horse and that I will ride again. I hope so because I miss it.

Thanks and Pregnancy Woes

2009-08-12T00:07:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all of the support you guys. I really appreciate it.

My pregnancy continues...my magnificent bosom continues to try to strangle me with unsettling frequency...I'm nauseous all the time as my GI tract has slowed down so much it hardly seems to be functioning at all...And my throat often feels like it is three sizes too small. But hey, I'm growing a person which is pretty cool. Although the hormone swings I could do without. I struggle with anxiety disorder and depression in my daily life so having this extra amount of oomph to deal with is difficult. I'm having to work almost twice as hard as usual to keep myself centered, and even then I'm less successful than I'd like to be. I'm planning to call and make an appointment with my psychiatrist to see if there is some room to adjust my meds for awhile to help me through this. But for now I'm coping. Unfortunately for my friends, this means that I'm spending more time alone, meditating and resting. I've struggled for years with guilt over this but most of my friends are used to it. I do try to give them a heads up when I feel it coming on and I make an effort to at least try to text or email-even when communicating is a heck of an effort.

Ashamed of Myself

2009-08-07T12:15:00.000-07:00

Oh Internet, I am eating crow right this very minute and I have to say it does not taste good.

I talked to Wanda's Current Owner and the longer we talked the more I realized that I allowed Previous Owner to get me worked up and flip things all out of proportion. On the bright side I'm feeling really good again about the home I sold her into and it's wonderful to stand by that decision.

But I'm so ashamed of msyelf for listening to Previous Owner's version of events and making decisions and even blog posts without talking to Current Owner. I was so ready to believe the bad things that P.O. was saying even though I know that P.O. tends to see everything in the worst possible light. I can only say that I'm an idiot and apologize publicly to C.O. for being willing to believe the things I heard.

The horse industry is so full of gossip and usually I'm the first one to take everything I hear with a grain of salt, or even a shaker full. And yet one phone call from P.O. and I threw all of my common sense out the window and did not wait to learn the whole story. C.O. is a wonderful owner for Wanda and is providing her the best home she can. Which is a pretty damn good one. I'm not going to beat myself up forever about this debacle but I am feeling very small today.

I did have a long talk with C.O. this morning and it sounds like if she decides to sell Wanda she'll keep me in mind as a possibility which is lovely. In the meantime I can rest easy in the certain knowledge that, although there are as many sides to a story as there are people in it, we all want what is best for the horse (even if we disagree sometimes about what that might be)!

Orrrr Not

2009-08-07T10:37:00.000-07:00

Her current owner would like to keep her for awhile longer and I think that'll be okay. I asked her to keep me in mind in the future if she decided to sell the mare.

She forwarded me the messages from Wanda's previous owner and all I can say is "ouch". I knew it ended not well but evidently it started not well either in her world.

Phew.

I've got to go clean some bile off of me now.

Another Suitcase, Another Hall

2009-08-06T19:03:00.000-07:00

When I woke up this morning there was a text on my cell phone saying my offer on Wanda had been accepted after all and when did I want to come and get her.

So after I made a few calls: first to my husband to see if he was still serious about us doing this, second to my friend to see if I really was crazy, and third to see if the offer of a place to put her still held; I called back and said OK.

And thus the day of WTF was born.

What am I doing? Exactly how crazy do I have to be? I mean, I'm paying twice as much as I got for her to bring her back into my care where she won't be ridden. I'm spending perfectly good money for a broodmare I can't afford to breed.

But folks, I couldn't leave her there. Not when I could do otherwise. So, as of Saturday evening, I will be Wanda's official owner again. My husband suggested I look at it as though we'd just boarded her somewhere else for ninety days. Yes, good point Jon. We sent her to the anti-trainer where they taught her to rear and flip over and get into fights! It's all the rage this year, aren't you doing it? I'm not sure what I'll be brining home. From the sound of things she could very well be in tremendous pain. And it sounds like any ground manners she ever had have gone out the window.

So, you know how much I like planning and the current one looks like this:
Saturday evening-go get Wanda and bring her home to the farm where she was born. The folks there kindly offered to take her in and I've accepted. She can live outside with some other mares for a month or two while I evaluate her and figure out what I'm going to do. The nice folks also volunteered to help me find her a home.

Next week-get a vet out to look at her. Her previous owners want her checked over by their vet and I'd like someone to take a look at what's going on now-especially palpating her back. I asked her current owner to gather back up her vet records (which I gave her when I sold her) and any new records for me and I'll look over them with my vet. I'm not planning to do any more diagnostic work at this time. There's nothing that can be done ulitmately for the arthritis so we'll have to evaluate her pain level and see where that takes us.

Then I imagine we'll need some rehab. At the very least I plan to work on ground manners and perhaps do some longeing to work on obedience and respect.

Before the winter rains come I need to find her somewhere I can leave her out with a run-in. I've bought a couple of months of breathing room but the farm doesn't have turnout in the winter so we need to be moving along. I have a friend in Illinois who breeds paints and I think I may find out if she could board one in retirement long-term. I could probably afford the board there more easily and if she wanted to breed her or use her for a nursemaid she could.

In the meantime, I've bought a couple of months of breathing room to try and get things figured out. I'm so grateful to her previous owners for allowing me someplace to bring her home to. And I wouldn't feel comfortable taking her anywhere else at this point. I don't know what she's like or how she's likely to react and until I figure that out I cannot in all good conscience board her anywhere else. Only the fact that they've known her all of her life lets me feel good about imposing upon them, even for a little while.

Looks like I'm back in the horse business doesn't it?

The Heartache and The Joy

2009-08-05T23:08:00.000-07:00

First of all The Joy: We had our first ultrasound yesterday at eight weeks. It was early for a first one, but I've had a miscarriage before and I experienced some bleeding last week, so we wanted to be sure that everything was OK. And it turns out, I'm growing a person. With a spine, and a heartbeat, and a tiny little umbilical cord! YAY! So that was exciting and I'm feeling a bit better about the baby thing. Of course, I still get incredibly nauseous several times a day where I feel like my throat is suddenly three sizes too small and a small hairy hand is trying to crawl up it. Yes, it's as uncomfortable as it sounds. I've found a few things that help but I think it's just sort of my life at the moment. Also, the constipation continues. Oy, does it continue. Enough said. My heartbeat is different too which has been weird to adjust to. And my new bosom? That beautiful new bosom that I've been looking forward to my whole life? It tries to strangle me at least once a night. I'm a stomach-sleeper and at least once per night I wake up with my new bosom crushing my jugular veins. Apparently people with generous bosoms are either not stomach-sleepers or they know something I don't.

Now, The Heartache:

I was reading craigslist and came across an ad for Wanda. Yup, her new owner has her up for sale. And I'm disappointed of course because I really thought I'd found her a longer term home than this. But I'm mostly pissed as hell at the way they're selling her. She's NOT being marketed as a broodmare only. She and her daughter have been riding her-only a few times so far but it makes me concerned. She's advertised as being not spooky and good on roads. Internet, it took me two months to be able to ride her down the driveway at the new barn. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she's not spooking for them or throwing this little girl off, but "good on roads" says a very different thing than I think her seller realizes. Also, they listed the price I originally bought her for which is no one's business but mine. AND they say she'll require chiropractic care to keep sound. Internet, she's not going to get any better. We can manage the pain of arthritis but we cannot heal it at this time. The seller also listed the prices of her two previous foals. I have no idea where she got those numbers. I do remember telling her the listed price at the time of one of her foals, which I thought was fine since anyone doing basic research could find that info; but I didn't have these numbers to give her. Oh yeah, and they had her age wrong.

Wanda's original breeder contacted me to see if I knew this was going on. I'd seen the ad this weekend and was trying to think of how to word an email regarding the misinformation in the ad. My first reaction upon reading the ad was to find someone with a trailer and go get my baby. But I knew that wasn't the best option for me. However, after I talked to Wanda's breeder I called the owner right away. The breeder told me and her owner confirmed that since they have owned her she's broken several halters pulling back (yes, the owner admits that even though I TOLD them explicitly "THIS MARE PULLS BACK WHEN TIED AND NEEDS SUPERVISION, ESPECIALLY WHEN NOT IN CROSS TIES", they've been tying her in a single tie to trees and trailers and stuff), she's flipped over backwards TWICE as they tried to load her in trailers (now, she doesn't particularly like trailers but if you put a chain on her halter and let her look it over she loads-I've never had her go over backwards doing this), she's colicked (which to be fair isn't their fault-a neighbor threw cut grass over the fence), and she's been in a fight and required stitches. While I was talking to the owner she told me that when they're taking her for turn-out she's good one day and the next she rears and the following day she's fine again. Her breeder told me the new owner was saying that the mare's ground manners are terrible. They've never been great, but it sounds like they've gotten worse. When I was talking to her current owner she shared that they sent the mare to be live bred pretty much as soon as the bought her and she wouldn't stand still for it. Well, she'd just finished heat about a week before they bought her (which I told them) so I have to wonder if she was in heat when they were trying to breed her. She's always very regularly and very obviously come into heat so I'm not sure why they're having problems. They tried artificial insemination twice and it didn't take so the woman is frustrated. Also, even though the daugher is riding her the woman doesn't feel she's safe on the ground with Wanda and they don't have the time to work with her. Sounds to me like someone who's ready to sell a horse back, yes?

No. She's so sweet and she's the first to come when called and she's just so lovely under saddle. Yes, I'm sure she is right now-she's out of shape and not in terrible pain yet.

I called and said that I was sorry it wasn't working out and I'd be happy to take her back at her original sale price. Her new owner declined saying she needs to recoup the money she's invested in vet bills and breeding fees. Now, I totally understand this idea but I don't think it's reasonable and I'm undertandably concerned about what the hell is happening to this mare. I did reiterate that her back problem is arthritis in the withers and will never be "healed". I also re-clarified that the vets said with a year off she might be sound for some light riding. She said she hadn't realized this. I did my best to explain this at the time of sale and I really thought I'd done a good job. I told them all about her quirks and her medical status. Sigh. Sadly, I cannot afford to buy her back at the new price. I told her that if she changed her mind to let me know. And that if anyone had any questions about her medical treatments to call me.

Internet, I feel so badly for my mare and I'm so afraid she's going to be sold without them telling anyone about her back. And the worst of it is that I can't fix it. I can't change what they tell or don't tell people. It's hard. I really thought I'd found her this tremendous home and I feel really let down.

A Horse Hiatus

2009-07-16T16:12:00.000-07:00

Well Internet, it has become official-I am taking a horse hiatus. I was shopping for a new horse when I discovered I'm pregnant. And I debated very seriously buying another one anyway. In fact, we were trying for a baby while I was shopping. However, people always tell you it will take months to get pregnant, so I figured I'd get pregnant in three months or so and then be able to ride for at least the first trimester-giving me six solid months of bonding with the new foosie. (a side note: a friend of mine at the barn reports that her young children referred to horses as foosies. Jon and I found this adorable and use it almost exclusively instead of "horse" now-you have no idea how hard it has been to write this blog without resorting to foosie) But, turns out I'm five weeks along already. And so, with great sadness, I decided to put horse shopping on hold until after the baby is born.

I'm saddened and frustrated by this decision because I know I would be back in the saddle faster if I had my own horse. Also, my instructor doesn't currently have a horse to teach me on so I'm not riding right now either. (although I'm looking at taking some instruction elsewhere so I can keep in riding trim as long as possible) I'm very lucky in that my husband understands how hard this decision has been for me. And how important riding is to my mental health. He promises to kick me out of the house on a regular basis for riding time once I'm healed after birth and to buy me another horse when I feel ready for one. Still, it's hard to give up the dream.

In the meantime I'll post about lessons as long as I have them. And I'm undoubtedly throw in some baby and family news as well.

So welcome to my new blog: Adventures of a Girl and Her Horse and The Baby!

Questioning Pella

2009-06-21T12:02:00.000-07:00

Well, I officially started half-leasing Pella on June 1st and the experience has been fun so far. Mostly....
She's a really fun mare to ride. I finally understand the halt aids and therefore the half-halt aids and it has been a truly wonderful experience to ride a horse that knows more than I do. (Oh, so *that's* the big deal about a broke horse!) I hadn't realized how truly defensive my riding had become until I got on a horse that stops every time you clamp your thighs down. And those stiff arms? Her head pops right up in the air to tell me she doesn't approve. I've only been able to ride her in one lesson but I'm seeing a huge improvement in my riding just from what she's been teaching me during our rides. I'm more relaxed and, it turns out, a better rider than I thought I was!
That being said she has some soundness issues that I'm not sure I want to take on. They might be manageable but so far I've had quite a few days I haven't ridden just because she wasn't completely sound. And, those of you who have been with me on this journey will understand why this makes me nervous.
But more importantly, I'm not sure she's a good match for me. If you've ever been on a date and spent the entire time thinking about someone else then you're close to how I feel about Pella. She's a nice mare, very honest when she's working, and I like her. But I don't wake up on my ride days excited to go and see HER. And that seems wrong to me. I've talked to my trainer about it and we're going to look at some other horses too. I'm not saying no to this one, but I'm not sold on her either. In the meantime, I'm having a wonderful time riding and learning and I'm grateful to her for sharing her time and expertise.

Acapella is a great way to sing, how about to ride?

2009-05-22T10:38:00.001-07:00

I'm back from vacation and the head instructor and program director over at Little Bit Therapeutic Riding Center are back from Nationals so it's time to begin thinking about my half-lease of a Little Bit horse. Her name is Pella, short for Acapella. She's a seventeen year-old Danish Warmblood/Thoroughbred cross. She's 16.2 hh and is trained through second level. She was owned by an adult amateur before coming to LB and I'm told that the reason her owner sold her was so she could buy a fourth level horse to show third and fourth levels on. The gossip on our end is that she didn't want to teach her changes and so she bought a new horse. So she has no changes but from what I've seen I don't think she'd be that difficult to teach them to. I've watched staff ride her a couple of times now and I've worked with her in a few classes. She's long but fairly well balanced. The one thing I've noticed that causes me some real concern is that when she canters she doesn't get that first hind under herself. As soon as you go back to trotting she puts it right back under herself again. But when she canters she wants to pull herself forward with her front and leave her hind end, well, behind. I'll be very interested to see if I can activate that hind leg and help her rock back and use her hind end to push off, or if it's that she physically cannot do so. Having had one horse already with back problems I'm really trying to avoid obtaining a second. Seventeen is a little older than my ideal but what I need is a calm campaigner who can show me the ropes and she is that. She's been at LB since November and is quite unhappy with so many volunteers handling her. She's a sweetheart one on one but having 20-30 people in her personal space in a week is too much for her. So LB is looking to place her in a home - hence my half-lease for a month to try her out. If I do like her and she passes my vet inspection and my trainer likes her then I would need to make a decision before the end of June and she'd move to my barn in July. LB has their two annual horse shows at the end of June and I would leave her there until those events are over. IF we get along and I decide to buy her. At $5000 she's at the VERY top of my budget. I'd really like to spend about half of that. I don't know. I might be able to bargain a bit with them, especially since the market is way down right now. I hope so. Even a smidge would help. Last year I would have had no problem spending 5000 for a second level schoolmaster but this year that seems pretty high. But I'll half-lease her for a month and we'll see what happens. I like her a lot but I have to be willing to walk away. The price is awfully steep for my pocketbook....

I've heard from Wanda's new owner and she loves her. Yay! She sent her off to be live-bred to a Friesian stallion. Oh-kay. Frankly I'm not thrilled with the idea of live breeding a mare with back problems and the fact that it's Wanda is really hard. I have to remind myself frequently that she's not my horse anymore and I don't get to make the decisions. But, really, a Friesian??? I get that her new owner is trying to keep me informed but it's a difficult thing for me to have this information. I really wish I didn't. But I don't want to be rude so I just keep sending back a generic "good luck with everything" message. What about you, Internet, would you want to know?

Farewell My Friend

2009-05-05T23:16:00.000-07:00

I sold Wanda today. I'm really pleased by the home I found for her. I think I've made the best decision for her but it was ever so difficult to sign the bill of sale and load her into a trailer. She has been my companion for this journey and I am grateful for all that I learned from her. In spite of everything, or perhaps because of it, Wanda was a great first horse for me. She was so patient with me as I fumbled my way through learning to give paste wormer. She was always ready to scrap everything we'd worked on the day before and try it a new way when I'd read a new book. She was my friend, my teacher, and my student. I will miss her. And still, I am excited about the next phase. For I have also learned from her what kind of horse best suits me. I have given up a lot of my pride and admitted that I need a horse more suited to a beginner's confidence level. I am looking forward to finding my next friend and continuing my adventures and I wish Wanda and her new owner well as they begin their own. Farewell Wanda, my horse-friend.

Stay tuned for the continuing Adventures of a Girl and Her (new) Horse.

I Wrote My Sale Ad Yesterday

2009-04-08T06:10:00.001-07:00

I finally bit the bullet and wrote my sales ad yesterday. Wanda is now officially for sale on dreamhorse and craigslist. This has been a difficult decision but I am unable to get her sound for riding so I'm selling her on as a broodmare. My thanks to all of you for your support and your kind words over the last several months! If you know of anyone who would like to own this fabulous mare please direct them to me.

Do We Even Get That Channel?

2009-04-02T21:29:00.000-07:00

Wanda went to the veterinary hospital today to have her abscessed tooth removed. Once we arrived, and of course, AFTER they'd sent the transport truck home (I arrived late-following a large detour due to my affinity for all roads that lead to not where I'm going; i.e. I got lost), the doctor called me back to talk to me. He announces that he took another x-ray on a hunch and her tooth is looking really good. In fact, it seems to be healing itself and doesn't need to come out today after all.

I'm standing there, staring at him, and all I can think is, "Do I even get the horse good news channel?" It's been such a long time since anything went right for my horse that I literally could not comprehend it for several moments.

In the meantime Wanda was standing there, drugged to the gills, snoring, lower lip practically touching the floor, and still trying the entire time to listen to my voice. Her ears were trying to focus the sound and she was fighting to keep her eyes open. Every now and then I realize that crazy, wonderful animal is sorta fond of me too!

Since the transport was gone, she had to stay overnight at the hospital. The doctor informed me there's a chance it could flare up again and to keep a weather eye out for that, but, for now, she's good to go. We're going to do another two weeks of antibiotics to hopefully wrap this up and she'll need another x-ray at the end of that to be sure the infection is totally gone. But for now, she's keeping the tooth! I am still so stunned and so grateful!

Into the Abyss

2009-03-27T13:49:00.000-07:00

On Monday Wanda and I went to the veterinary hospital and had a gastroscopy done. By which I mean that I stood and watched while Wanda (who behaved like a model citizen-at least she behaves in public!) had a scope shoved up her nose and down her throat. We all peered at her stomach lining. Did you know the stomach actually changes color when the tissue that produces acid begins? It does. It's all very pale pink and then WHAM!, bright scarlet tissue begins. Now of all the tests we've had done, this was the one I was doing merely as a formality. So that when I went to sell her I could say with authority that we had done everything possible. You can therefore imagine my surprise when the vet pointed to several small spots and said, "Well, she's got ulcers."! Really?! I was glad I was leaning on the wall because I might have fallen over otherwise. She scored a 2 out of 4. The vet said she couldn't tell how much this might be affecting her back but that we would know in 2-3 weeks of treatment. We're now on day 3 of treatment and I'm more than a little curious to know if this has the been the problem. I doubt it but stranger things have happened.

We ran some blood work last week and she does not have myositis or lyme disease for those of you keeping score. The rest of her blood panel was normal as well.

And there you are Internet-ulcers. Who knew? If this does in fact clear up her back pain you may have to call the paramedics to pick me up from where I've fallen down in disbelief. We have another appointment with the vet clinic to go and get her abscessed tooth pulled next week. If all goes well she can come home that evening-if not, then she'll have to stay overnight and have surgery the following day.

On the bright side, my insurance has just sent us our first reimbursement check for the nuclear scan! So we're feeling a bit more positively about money. And, all this hauling back and forth to the vet clinic is really helping Wanda become accustomed to trailers and travelling. She may not stand still reliably at home but at the vet's office she's been a peach!

More Tests

2009-03-10T11:28:00.000-07:00

Well, my vet had a chance to confer with other vets and we have a few ideas for more tests. One vet suggested Lyme disesase as a possible culprit. It's fairly uncommon out here (but very, VERY common where I'm from) which is why it hadn't occurred to her to test for it. We're also going to test for myositis in her muscles. Another vet suggested it might be ulcers radiating pain upward. So now I have to contact my insurance adjuster and see if we can have her scoped or if we need to treat and see what happens. I figure it's worth a shot. I've decided to try and postpone the dental surgery. I have to call the dentist this afternoon to discuss this with him but if it's at all possible I'd like to postpone it for a bit while we're running these tests. I'll have to see if he wants to continue the antibiotics in the meantime or what. But at least there was a ray of hope in my day. Also, all the vets have said they don't see any reason she couldn't be a broodmare so that opens up her options considerably again. I'll keep you posted.

Pondering the Imponderables

2009-03-06T00:16:00.000-08:00

I've been doing lots and lots of thinking this week about what is the best thing for Wanda.

I'm still waiting for my vet, the orthopedic specialist, to go over the results with me so please understand I'm still debating options at this point without all the information...

Points factoring into my upcoming decision are:

How much pain is Wanda in? Can we manage that pain effectively? What would that management entail? Can I trust someone else to know when that pain is too much? If she is in pain now, what kind of pain will she have in two years? five? ten? Can I find someone to give her a good home for the rest of her life (remember she's eight)? Is it fair to put her in a position where someone may try to ride her at some point? Can I find a good situation for her in this market? How do you weigh her quality of life vs. quantity of life? Is it fair to have her live the rest of her life in pain just so that I feel better? Would it be fair to breed her? Can she be someone's broodmare? What am I willing to do for her? How much time am I willing to invest in a horse I cannot ride, long-term? Ultimately, what is the best possible decision I can make for Wanda and for myself that I can live with?

Finding a New Home

2009-03-02T15:51:00.001-08:00

Well, we got x-rays today and, unless my vet has some drastically different interpretation of them, it looks as though I'll be rehoming Wanda. It will depend a great deal upon what my vet has to say. She *may* still be able to be used as a broodmare which will increase her options but she will most likely never be truly sound for riding.

One of the major factors in my decision will be determining how much pain she is in. If she is going to be in a great deal of pain everyday then I don't believe in putting her through that. But, if she is in a manageable amount of pain, and right now that appears to be the case, then I'll try to find her a good home.

I know some of you will disagree with my decision not to keep her and that's ok. I've discovered over the last few weeks that I don't particularly enjoy having a horse I cannot ride. If I retained ownership of her I would feel terribly guilty about not seeing her as often as I "should". And that is not a good situation for me. So, I'm going to do my best to find her a responsible home where someone else can lavish love and attention on her. That having been said, does anyone know of anyone looking for a really sweet broodmare or pasture pet? If so please contact me.

I Can't Think of Anything Clever, Sorry

2009-02-25T16:44:00.000-08:00

My brain is totally fried at the moment. We had the vet out to check her back again today and while she has made some improvement on the left side, the right side is still horribly painful. And the vet doesn't know why. She says most horses present with a specific area that is painful but with Wanda it's the entire back. So we left her on the muscle relaxants, added some bute, and we're now back to longeing with a halter and chain since her back is so sore. We go to the clinic on Monday to have x-rays taken of her spine. I'm trying to stay optimistic but it's getting more and more difficult. With every thing we rule out it simply makes it that much more likely that this is something really bad. Possibly I've had my last ride on my horse and that really kills me. She got her antibiotics today for the tooth and there's still a slim chance that they might get rid of the infection and then we wouldn't have to pull the tooth which would, obviously, be awesome. Please keep Wanda in your thoughts and/or prayers.

Work, the Anti-Crazy

2009-02-18T22:50:00.000-08:00

The past week and a half or so I've been attempting to manage Wanda's energy level by longeing her in a halter and chain. I've cantered her vigorously for 35 minutes with ten minutes of warm-up/cool down on either end and still had a horse who left the stall each day with her eyes trying to escape from her head! On Monday I spoke to the vet about it and she agreed we could start longeing her in a longe cavesson, surcingle, and side reins. Tuesday afternoon I had my friend show me how to adjust the cavesson properly, tacked her up, and took her out to the arena.

From the moment I connected the side reins Wanda was in "work" mode. Her eye got very soft and she was really focusing. Even better, she actually stretched into the contact and rounded her back. The bottom of her neck was relaxed and her eye stayed quiet. It was such a welcome change. One of my concerns with longeing her in a halter was that she was going around braced in the neck and back which wasn't stretching those back muscles at all. The other advantage to longeing her in side reins is that she gets tired much more quickly since she hasn't been using those muscles lately! Today I tried the suggested route of giving her ACE just before beginning work (she longes for 30 mintes and then is turned out for an hour per the vet). This resulted in a horse who couldn't hold her lower lip up after the first 18 minutes of longeing so tomorrow we're going to work first, have our ACE while we untack, and THEN get turned out. I may also use a little less tranq since she's worked well the past couple of days in a row.

I cannot tell you all how pleasant it was to see my horse "working" again. She's clearly happy to have important work. After all, everyone needs important work!

More Injections

2009-02-17T10:41:00.000-08:00

The vet came again yesterday and we did more injecting. We injected all along her dorsal spines and in her S/I joints. Wanda was a champ about it, although judging from her reaction even through her heavily-sedated state it must have burned like anything.

Now she's on muscle relaxants for the next ten days and then we'll recheck her. I did talk to the vet and this week we're going to longe her in a cavesson, surcingle, and side reins. I'm to mildly sedate her right before we start working, work for 30 minutes, and then she can be turned out for an hour. We may have to play with the sedative dosage but hopefully this way she can go out for at a bit of fresh air and move around some. Unfortunately I've already missed my turn-out window today by oversleeping but we do what we can. I'll longe her a little extra and maybe take her for a hand-walk around the property depending upon whether or not her eyes are bugging out of her head!

On the bright side the vet seems very confident that she will be fit for riding again. I'm still waiting to hear back from the dentist about her tooth. And when my trainer gets back home next week I'm going to ask if I can't take a lesson once a week on one of the school horses since I miss riding. At least we have a plan.

I Want Money, Lots and Lots of Money

2009-02-13T22:33:00.000-08:00

Oh yeah, that's the theme song to my mare's life at the moment. Sadly, riding is not going to happen anytime very soon. My apologies if this note is rather incoherent as I'm exhausted mentally but I wanted to let you all know how it went. The results are mixed. The orthopedic vet came this morning and looked at my mare but I arrived at the barn just after she left as I was running late. I called and talked to her and she said the mare is still very sore and she wants to do more injections. Actually her exact words were "I'd like to inject everything.". So on Monday we're injecting "everything". And then we'll see what we've got. I'm still not sure how much pain Wanda is in. She's so stoic so it's really hard for me to tell. And she still doesn't enjoy being touched on lots of her body. When I palpate her she's not as reactive so I cannot tell how much is that she's putting up with pain for me and how much is her being a drama queen for other people. I know she DOES have pain, I'm just having a hard time figuring out how much. The dentist also came today and got a couple of really good x-rays of her upper teeth and the lump on her face. He noted that today her blood vessels were much more pronounced on the affected (right) side of her face which is different from a week and a half ago. He's going to get a couple of consults but he thinks the tooth will probably have to come out. He was quite surprised she hasn't been symptomatic and is still eating given the level of inflammation and infection. I explained that she thinks she's Mike Tyson when it comes to pain! The great news is that I finally have something concrete that we can DO something about. Something that will significantly improve her pain level. The horrible news is that it's not even March yet and by the end of the month or beginning of next month I will have spent more on vet bills than I spent buying the horse. I continue to be so grateful to my husband who gave up his vacation last year so that we could buy a saddle and is giving vacation up again this year to pay for vet treatments. Internet, may you all have spouses as generous.

Internet, Cross Your Fingers

2009-02-12T23:54:00.000-08:00

We have vet appointments tomorrow. In the morning the orthopedist is coming to recheck her back. And in the afternoon the dentist is coming back with his digital x-ray to look at the lump on her face. Of course the appointments are spread out over the day so I get to spend the whole day at the barn. I'm being optimistic though and taking my tack back (which had come home for a deep cleaning and conditioning) and bringing my breeches just in case the results are favorable. So, internet, please cross your fingers for us!

Guarded Optimism

2009-02-07T21:42:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm starting to feel cautiously optimistic. Wanda seemed to feel much better yesterday and today (she FINALLY got her feet done, which I'm sure helped). I palpated her back yesterday and it did seem less sore. It's still tender but I think we may have started moving in the right direction. Best of all, some other folks were riding while we were longeing and she expressed to me her desire for us to start doing that again! Coming from my mare, that was a lot of something so I'm really happy. A friend recently pointed out to me that everyone processes out inflammation at different rates, especially older inflammation, and that it could take more time for her than for another horse. I'm hoping this is the case and that perhaps the inflammation is starting to go down. I don't want to get my hopes up too high but I'm feeling much more optimistic than I was at this same time last week, which is a pretty good place to be.

Form VS Function

2009-02-05T16:11:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I learned that Wanda has ATR. (For those of you who don't know -and I didn't until yesterday- this just means she has horizontally grooved teeth) Basically, her teeth don't slide backward and forward easily at all, kinda like human teeth. So, when she goes to set her head in that "classical" dressage position her jaw won't slide forward like it's supposed to.

This got me to thinking about form vs. function. The point of that head set is that the horse is reaching for the bit and rounding its back. When it reaches the max stretch, the jaw should move fairly freely. At least, this is my understanding of how it's supposed to work. But Wanda's jaw won't ever move freely-hers will always be "stuck". This goes a long way toward explaining why she has ALWAYS felt so stiff in her poll to me when my trainer tells me she's where she's supposed to be. For her, it's not the way her body works. Add to this the fact that her L5/6 joint has pretty bad arthritis and you have a horse that will never look classically perfect. Her pelvis will never flex the way another horse's would because it physically can't.

The good news is, now that I know this, I can adapt our training methods to work WITH her body, instead of against it. She will always, for example, need a lot of stretching in her back to warm up. She will also probably always need more help than other horses to tuck her pelvis under her and "sit". I don't think it's impossible for her to do, but she will need more help than some. And , as long as she is stretching as much as she can toward the bit and is using her back correctly while her jaw stays loose, I'm not going to worry about what her nose looks like. She'll never be truly comfortable with her head in the classic "on the bit" position so we'll have to work together to figure out what her head looks like when her jaw is relaxed and she's working well. My trainer and I are going to need to work together to develop a new picture of what dressage for Wanda looks like. I'm a little nervous about talking to my trainer about this idea of varying our expectations for her but I definitely want to do what is best for my horse. And the point of dressage is to help our horses move the very best they can, with whatever body they have.

Stall Rest is No Fun

2009-02-01T20:30:00.000-08:00

Wanda spoke to this evening while we were taking our obligatory 35 minute walk this evening, and she wishes to tell the internet that stall rest is no fun -in fact, it is may be the least fun in the history of fun! So there you are internet, straight from the horse's mouth.

Oh the Joy of Handwalking

2009-01-29T23:04:00.000-08:00

Tonight was our first 30 minute handwalk. She was too funny! Totally willing to walk along next to me-although we did have to review that if you keep walking at the same tempo I do then it doesn't feel like I'm pulling your head along. But she was so upset that another horse was being ridden in the arena! I'm not sure if she doesn't like this particular horse or if it was that another horse was moving faster than her but it was so funny. Every time he would come around the rail by us she would pinch her nose and put her ears back and think really hard about how much she'd like to kick him. You could literally watch her brain following this line of thought. She cracks me up!

Injection Junction, What's Your Function?

2009-01-28T17:55:00.000-08:00

We saw the vet this morning. She looked at her withers and her lumbo-sacral region with ultrasoud. Wanda has some bad arthritis in her L5/6 joint. And on her right side by the base of the dorsal spines. We injected her withers with a lot of cortico-steriods. Hopefully that will reduce a lot of inflammation and pain. The vet wants to take it slowly and in stages so we can tell what's helping and how much. So she's on rest for a week-thankfully she can be turned out or hand-walked as long as she's quiet. I have quite a stock of tranqs on hand just in case-rest not being Wanda's favorite thing! The vet thinks this is a result of some severe trauma-nothing that I did which is a relief. It's still to early to tell if she'll really be suitable for work though. She'll probably always struggle with tucking her pelvis due to her L5/6 issue but as long as she's comfortable and happy I can deal with that. I don't need her to be the world's best dressage horse-just my best dressage horse! After this week off she can begin longeing in her halter for another week. At the end of THAT week, if she's not sensitive to palpation then we can try putting a saddle on her and see how that goes.

Houston, We Have a Plan

2009-01-26T21:10:00.000-08:00

Well, I just got off the phone with my wonderful vet and we have a plan! Tomorrow or Wednesday we're going to ultrasound her SI joint and her right withers. They both lit up on the nuclear scan. And my husband finally got me to understand that I tend to say nucular instead of nuclear so now everyone is happy. We're definitely going to inject her withers and probably her SI depending upon what the ultrasound shows. Her tooth is getting looked at by the dentist next week. And I'm hoping the saddle fitter can work us in sometime soon as well. Hopefully I'll have a horse I can ride again in the next three weeks.

The Mare is Back in Town

2009-01-21T21:36:00.000-08:00

Well, I picked up my mare from the vet clinic today. I got a copy of the report and some really neat images of her body. I haven't talked to my vet yet to get it interpreted but what I see so far is that she does seem to have something going on in her back and she has a tooth that probably needs to come out. So, after I talk to the vet tomorrow I'll hopefully have more information and then I get to call the dentist. And I'm now looking for a part-time job to help afford these tests.

Tomorrow I Hope to Get News

2009-01-21T00:38:00.001-08:00

Wanda was dropped off at the vet clinic on Monday to prep for her scan on Tuesday. I get to pick her up and take her home tomorrow. I'm planning to longe the stuffing out of her when we get back to the barn. 3 days of no exercise + all the hay she can eat = high horse. I get a copy of the results tomorrow and a copy is being faxed to my vet so we should know if we got any worthwhile results from this test soon. I'm nervous. I'm hoping so badly that there's something that is easy to manage. I'm also terribly afraid I'm going to end up with a horse I can't ride. And I'm really hoping the insurance will cover the cost of this test because it's freaking expensive.

Nuclear Scans and Other Fun

2009-01-15T14:31:00.000-08:00

Well, the vet came on Monday. I thought I'd gotten my girl good and tired with longeing over the weekend but clearly not since she was high as a kite. She dumped me during the under-saddle portion of the exam. Nothing to make you feel competent like falling off in front of a relative stranger in yet another brand new, worn only three times before, helmet. Awesome. I had a mild concussion but nothing was sprained or anything so that's good. And I still have the paperwork so I can get a replacement for a reduced cost, so that's better. The vet is an orthopedic specialist who said that she thinks her interference behind is coming from the pain in her back. She thinks it is probably physiological and not just saddle fit. I've cancelled the saddle fitter for now until we get some more information. She is definitely in a lot of pain through her back. The vet told me about a number of possibilities, many of which are treatable. I'm feeling a little more optimistic but really, really scared. She's going to a local clinic on Monday for a nuclear scan on Tuesday, and then she'll be home again on Wednesday. Hopefully it'll be something we can treat and I'll have a happy horse sometime soon.

My Mare is Smart

2009-01-11T21:23:00.001-08:00

or at least a smart-ass-that counts too, right? Since I haven't been riding her this weekend I've been longeing and working on ground manners. She'll stand pretty well with her feet in one place (we've been working on it for a long time now) when the barn is quiet. I can even go in and out of the tack room which is a huge accomplishment! When there is action going on she usually inches forward so she can see what's happening. Always wanting to know everyone else's business-that's my girl! My husband came out with me this weekend and he hasn't seen her in a couple of months. He was impressed with the way her manners are coming along. It's always so nice to hear that since this is one area where I usually only see what still needs to happen and I forget to celebrate the little progresses. I'm normally quite good at that but not with manners. I've really worked on getting her to stretch over her topline and tonight she finally did release some of the tension in her back and swing it a bit. When I felt her back later it was more relaxed and the muscle wasn't locked in a spasm like it was on Wednesday. She's definitely avoiding bending her hind legs and curling her pelvis under herself. I'm almost wondering if she doesn't need another round of hock injections. Guess I'll find out tomorrow. I checked her range of motion with the "carrot stretches" and she's got really good flexibility-her back just hurts. Poor thing, I'm hoping we can get this resolved soon.

Banging My Head Against the Wall

2009-01-07T13:41:00.000-08:00

I remember so distinctly thinking it would be fun to own a horse. And it has been. But it has also been one of the most frustrating experiences of my entire life. Wanda is in pain, again. She began getting more and more girthy before the snow three weeks ago and I was going to ask my trainer at my next lesson if she thought we needed to get the saddler out. Well, the answer would have been yes. She's so sore now that just laying a hand flat on her back practically sends her through the roof. I quit halfway through my lesson today because I just didn't feel that it was fair to her to keep working. My trainer has also suggested that I call the orthopedic vet to see if anything can be done about her interference behind. I have an appt. on Monday and I'll post what she says. Now I'm feeling bad because it never even occurred to me to worry about the interference beyond getting protective boots on her. I didn't know doing something about it was even an option. But frankly it's the back that has me banging my head against the wall. Even when we got the new saddle this fall and it fit better and she was much more willing to swing through her back it was always tender. I'm not certain she has ever NOT been in pain and that is really frustrating for me. I'm in tears over it and I just don't know what to do beyond what I'm doing. I have a call in to the saddler so we can hopefully adjust the saddle fit again. Poor mare.

Happy Holidays

2008-12-25T12:55:00.001-08:00

Happy Holidays to everyone! Especially to my horse, whom I haven't seen in over a week and won't see now until next year as I'm going on vacation. At least, we're supposed to go on vacation. It will depend a great deal upon whether our nice neighbors with four wheel drive and chains will drive us to the airport shuttle pickup. Otherwise we may not be going anywhere!

Why so quiet?

2008-12-22T11:58:00.000-08:00

Snow of course! We have between eight and ten inches on the ground here and I'm stuck at home. I have been most of the week. My trainer has made it out to the barn and handwalked everyone (she'll be doing the same today, or working my mare if the footing has thawed) so Wanda's not too stir-crazy. Every year my husband and I talk about getting snow chains and every year we decide the two or three days we'd use them don't really justify getting a pair. But on those two or three days (or week in this case) they sure would be handy!

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2008-12-16T21:24:00.000-08:00

It's still icy and cold here. I didn't get out yesterday and I didn't realize until today that the footing is so icy that horses aren't getting turned out so Wanda hasn't been out of her stall since Sunday. Whoops! Needless to say I had one very high horse on my hands this afternoon when I got to the barn. The footing is frozen and while it's not terrible, it's really not good either. So I just longed her in a halter and let her work the kinks and crazies out. Tomorrow we're supposed to get more snow and ice so I'll try to get to the barn before that kicks in as I can't get down the hill where I live and up the hill Wanda lives on in the ice. If I can get out tomorrow I'm going to longe her in side reins and make her work a little. I doubt I'll ride though if the footing is still questionable. We only get a couple of weeks of ice and snow here in a winter customarily so I don't feel like I need to push myself to ride if I don't feel 100% safe doing so. I'm a little upset that no one told me that the horses weren't getting turned out though. Seems like maybe a bulletin could have gone out over email or something so we'd know...Ah well, no harm, no foul.

Here comes the snow

2008-12-14T20:33:00.000-08:00

Well, we had our first snowfall here this week and it has been COLD. Well, cold for here at any rate. My trainer called and gave me a heads up that the cold was coming in which I'm so grateful for! Up until now Wanda has been wearing her waterproof sheet and she would be a sad, sad pony if I hadn't put a stable blanket on underneath it. I have a medium/heavy weight waterproof blanket coming in the mail so she won't have to wear two every day. Which she'll be grateful for. She hates blankets. And the fact that I put one on and *then* put another one on was not a popular idea. Clearly it was an excellent torture device. Silly girl! I didn't ride yesterday as I had a meet during the day and a party in the evening so I knew that I would need to brave the ice to see her today. (more than one day off = CRAZY horse). And I was pleasantly surprised that the roads, which are twisty and up and down steep hills all the way to the barn, were not too bad. I did slide all the way down a hill and around a corner coming home but the drive there was fine. I have seldom been so glad that I learned to drive in the snow and ice though. I can tell that there will be days this winter that I simply will not be able to get to barn due to icy roads so I'm really thankful that we've got a most awesome barn manager who lives onsite. I was going to ride tonight but being nobody's fool I decided to longe her first. And that was an excellent decision as my beautiful girl was puffed up. She had gorgeous trot extensions and some really lovely passage on the end of the line. By the time she wore herself out enough that I thought about getting on her she was tripping a lot so I didn't get on. I decided it wasn't worth the risk. The footing was great, she just wore herself out and wasn't paying attention to her feet. My trainer is riding her tomorrow and I feel bad that I haven't ridden since Wednesday but I'm feeling good about my decision re: my safety. There was a time when I would have ridden anyway and not listened to my instincts. And perhaps nothing would have happened. But I'm home again, warm and safe, and loving that I'm learning from Lisa to trust my own judgement.

my timing, who has it?

2008-12-11T21:44:00.001-08:00

Do you have my timing? Cause I sure don't! Now to be fair to msyelf, it *is* getting better. I am improving. I had a great ride on Wednesday. I would not have recognized Wanda. She felt so different under me (my trainer has been riding her while I was sick). She was light and balanced and I was able to feel the canter that my trainer has been trying to get us into. I've been really struggling with getting her to slow down but to keep going forward. I was also able to move her haunches over for a few steps, straighten her out, and then move her shoulders over, etc. She was like driving a slinky. It was awesome! So stretchy and fun. Basically, Wanda did great! Lisa and I worked a lot on my timing. I'm trying to get the feel of doing a half halt followed quickly-like in the same breath-by a transition. It already feels to me as if I'm doing them simultaneously but Lisa tells me there's a large gap. It'll get better the more I do it. However, in the meantime, if you happen to see my timing will you please fax it over?

previous journalings

2008-12-08T16:57:00.000-08:00

I've decided to publish my journalings from the first day I tried out Wanda. I've been keeping them in a notebook and am now using this blog. I can't figure out how to go back and date them so i'll be posting them in a long post separated by spaces. My apologies to those savvy folks that this will drive crazy but I hope you'll enjoy reading my musings. One of the things I'm grateful for is having these to look back on and remember so vividly where we were so that I can better appreciate where we are now. I can so easily get caught up in the now and my frustration with not making the progress I expect of myself (ironically, it seldom really frustrates me that my mare is not terribly coordinated-it's *my* lack of coordination that aggravates me) that this has been and continues to be a really good exercise for me. Anyway....

Sometime in May, 2007

First impressions of Wanda from the ground: kind eye, good bone, nice movement, beautiful round body, (she had a balanced body even in photographs of her at two), calm, interested, she's so cute!!

First impressions of Wanda under saddle: wonderful springyness, TRY-she meets you halfway, already moments of balance and greatness, she remembers and improves.

I'm more than a little concerned about my ability to bring along a green horse. P. broke her briefly at 2 1/2 as she does all her horses but she's been a broodmare for the last three years. She slipped a foal this winter and P. found other broodmares she likes better so she's bringing Wanda along under saddle to sell her. Wanda's only been under saddle now about two or three weeks as an adult. P. says she'll help me and we can do this, but a green rider on a green horse? Still, she's so pretty and so sweet.

Also May, 2007

Yesterday I had a great lesson on Willa (Wanda's full sister who I leased for six months before purchasing Wanda) I was SO confident and assertive. P. and I talked about using that same assertiveness with Wanda and she would improve very quickly. P. assured me that schooling halt then go wouldn't ruin her mouth. I worry about messing it up. P. assures me I won't. I must remember that there is nothing I can do that we cannot undo! I can't wait to ride her again this weekend.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Rode Wanda again today. 2nd time since she got her teeth floated and her wolf teeth pulled. Much less fussy with her head. Did some lovely work on the bit after our canter. Gorgeous frame! Trot/halt transitions are getting better. Looking forward to tomorrow.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

She was willing but fussy and frustrated. Really was pissy. P. put draw reins on and worked with us on turning the neck and leg yielding on a circle. I'm exhausted and sore. I got frustrated with myself. P. said I'm giving at all the wrong times. I'm having difficulty figuring it out. But we persevered and finally it went well both ways. Phew. Sort of anxious about tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Was very sore and stiff today. Wanda was a little resistant. P. rode her for ~20 minutes. She's so cute! She pitched some fits and I was glad I wasn't on her because I probably would have gotten timid and backed off.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

She was great today! So much lighter. Stood still for grooming pretty well. Rt. front foot is still the hard one to get her to lift. P. was out with the weed whacker adn she only spooked a little one time. Gave me one big buck and took the wrong lead to the left. But got better the second time.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Didn't ride today. Gave us the day off! I chased Wanda around the indoor and tried to do a join-up. Not much success but it worked a little. Then I lunged and led her over 3 ground poles. By the end she was able to over both directions without tripping. She really worked hard trying to get her feet coordinated. I plan to continue working on it! Then I pulled her mane, trimmed her whiskers, bridle path and tail.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Hadn't been out this weekend. Wanda was wonderful! Really starting to get the idea of carrying herself. Did walk, trot, canter work. 3 loop serpentines at trot went ok. She really loses her balance changing the bend.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Got a saddle in the mail today. Didn't fit us. Wanda was good. Only roder for a little cause we were uncomfortable. She's catching herself behind so getting her ankle boots tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Today was hard. Wanda was soooo lazy. I got worn out the first few minutes of my lesson. The P. got on. Wanda wouldn't move off leg or anything other than a HUGE smack of the whip. P. finally got her moving but it took a lot. Lots to work on this week. I hauled off and smacked her and she took off cantering. I was scared for a moment but then P. reminded me that I know how to ride the canter. Duh. But it was really helpful. Feeling so tired and discouraged tonight. Tomorrow will be better. Must lunge in draw reins now.

Saturday, June 30, 2007

After hiding for 2 days finally got brave and went riding. Required Wanda to move with urgency. Worked well. Lunged in side reins and worked on stop and go. Had lovely trot adn some nice canter. She really pulls on me at the canter. Not sure how to work on that. She was listening better than Wednesday. Glad P. is going to train her this month.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Had a great lesson today! Rode a little walk/trot on Monday-told Margaret (a junior who is an excellent rider who rode wanda several days a week for me to help me train her-instead of P. Margaret got a free lesson for helping me and P. didn't have to ride a horse she didn't like riding) to let me know if that causes a setback. (P. didn't want me riding her other than in my lesson but I wanted another ride during the week so I worked it out with Margaret) It was 102 degrees today so we took lots of breaks. She was lovely. So relaxed and moving through her back. Started getting notes on my position! Had a great uphill canter. It felt like FLYING. Can't wait until next week. She's learned so much in just a week. Monday I even got several steps of laterwork both ways! So much better than last week. Felt like both of us were more confident!

Monday, July 16, 2007

Rode just walk/trot outside today. Not as nicely pushing through from behind but we finally got some good work with some 20m circles and bend.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

P. rode and I watched. Wanda is in heat adn her brain was everywhere but on working. I groomed her but P. took over. She said Wanda was walking all over me. Told me to use the "bat" on her whenever she moved or flipped her head. I did after she got off and it was much better. She really respected my space which she had begun to ignore. P. put on spurs and once she poked her in the same place that place was tender and she moved over easily. I could see the moment she engaged behind and began to move through to the bit. Her back came up to meet P. and she stepped under herself. Her energy flowed from behind up to her head. P. said later that a lot of it went "out the front door" and I didn't see it bounce back to her hind end like it does with P.'s stallion. P. did say there was a lot of improvement since she'd ridden her last. She also told me to have Margaret always ride in spurs. I'll tell Margaret on Monday when she gets back from camp. Wanda picked up the wrong canter lead both directions so at least P. knows it's not just me. Think I'll continue only cantering w/P. watching for another week or two.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Still feeling nervous about today's lesson. I will have to get myself centered before then. I love myself and I believe in my riding abilities.

Friday, July 21, 2007

Didn't ride Wednesday because the man with the backhoe was widening the outdoor arena. Wanda was wonderful today! Tried a new saddle that was pretty good in the walk and trot but lousy in the canter. But Val's saddle (one I was borrowing from a fellow boarder) felt a lot better after that one! Wanda was really moving forward off my leg and we did some leg yielding on the circle that was quite good. She was so light after that. Good canter both ways. Picked up the wrong lead once to the left.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

She was wonderful! We took off the draw reins and P. said she thought we could do without the for awhile. She's so lovely and forward. P. and I worked on corners. As you go up levels you go that round in the corner. You want to keep the same balance and impulsion and rhythm that you have on the straight sides. If you lose that then you're probably too deep in the corner. We should be on a 20m circle bend. Her canter was divine.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Had a lousy ride last Friday. Steering was lousy. Better in lesson on Wednesday. P. fixed steering with a very steady outside rein. Today was OK. Better than last Friday. Had a rodeo regarding dark spots and shadows and the fact that we can travel on them. I like my new saddle. I feel very secure even when she's being a widget. I'm really worried about what will happen when Margaret goes back to school and doesn't have time to ride her anymore. Feeling out of my depth but I still love owning a horse.

Monday, September 3, 2007

Rode M, T, W, F and Su this week. Wanda is much better. She's using herself more and less heavy on the forehand. She was really leaning today though and I had a difficult time getting her to move forward and carry herself. Wed. I worked on leg yields in my lesson. P. suggests turning down center line, establishing center for 1-2 steps adn then using the outward force of the turn to help me move the horse over. Wanda has been better about moving away from my leg. I'm using spurs now which help. I'm really starting to be able to correct a stride on a curve or straight line when she starts to get crooked! I'm still having trouble with when to to use a steady pull til she yields and when to give and release. E-mailed P. to ask her to tell me in my lesson on Wednesday.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

didn't ride today but reread to see how far we've come. My seat is much more secure and I'm starting to feel more confident when she acts up. I have more tools in my kit to handle what comes up. We've really come far. She's beginning to be more balanced and has a much better overall attitude.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Good ride today. Worked with P. on my give. I got several that were reallywell-timed! We worked a ton on canter today and she did really nicely. P. said its the best canter work she's seen her do :) My outside rein gets too loose. It needs to tighten at the canter. We worked on increasing my outside rein pull gradually while using more inside leg to get her rounder. She took the wrong lead 3 or 4 times to the left. P. says her rt. hind needs to get stronger.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

New browband was too big. Need one about an inch smaller. Her warm up walk was really good today. We worked on give in the trot. Did aides and corners. wroked on getting her to round up into the bit. Cantered a lot both directions. Shortening the outside rein really helped. It was a lovely canter on both leads. Then we did sitting trot. She was really collecting herself and on the bit. Did a little leg yield from the 1/4 line to the rail both directions. She did OK. Not great but she really tried for me!

Friday, September 7, 2007

Just lunged in a halter today. Rocket was killed last night. I was so upset that I didn't want to ride. I didn't want to share that energy. I've come home to grieve and I'll try to ride tomorrow.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

W/T/C work. Sitting trot lateral toward and away from the rail. Nice canter. Good trot. Had a hard time submitting to get on the bit.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Rode today. Very warm and Wanda got a little overheated. She started to feel really sluggish but she kept trying for me. Didn't know she was so hot til I got off. Really slow but upright and straight canter. Some nice bending at trot. Had a terrible time getting her on the bit and stay on...

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Sick all week. P.'s been turning her out. Appt w/saddle fitter Friday at one for saddle fitting.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Too sick to ride. Guy said Val's saddle fits fine and to ride in a regular saddle pad.

Monday, September 17, 2007

1st time I've worked her in a week. Turned her out and then lunged her before I got on. She was lovely! So responsive and really tried hard. Did lots of good canter. Worked on moving laterally off my leg by leg yielding on a circle. She was really trying.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Had a great lesson last week and a good one this week. P. is very complimentary about how she's coming along-building muscle, losing fat, better attitude, etc. Rode MTWRFSu last week and MW this week. Wasn't feeling well this week-bad cramps. And Nathan was visiting. at lesson this week worked again on flexing neck a lot inside while on a circle. Rt. is very hard for her. P. said the thing to remember is to keep moving forward even if it's only on a small circle and that as long as you're going forward I'm keeping ahead of her. Took a TON of inside leg. Finally figured out about using lt rein to keep circle big. Use it almost like a slow see saw. 1st ask head to rt then flex lt rein followed by rt again. P. helped me w/my billets to help keep the saddle from sliding forward. We also worked on my position. P. said for now to really focus on keeping my lt shoulder further back than my rt. almost turning my chest. it felt so strange but wanda did stay out on the circle more easily so it seemed to be working.

...A long pause in my writing during which things went up and down but mostly down as I struggled to rationalize my trainer's perspective with my own...

February 28, 2008

Had a horrible lesson last week. I'm still not convinced whether Wanda was resistant or I wasn't asking correctly. But then she tried to bit P. and so the lesson devolved. P. hit her and rode her and then had me get on and hit her. I wasn't happy. The horse did end up going well but I've decided I'm not going to beat her and neither is anyone else. I don't want to make that kind of progress. I've begun to investigate other barns and trainers. I talked to J. at LBTRC and she thought that moving is the right thing to do. I'd like to learn ways of reaching my horse that don't involve hitting and fear. I'm OK with getting after her a little but never again like last week. Thankfully this week was much better. We used more gentle tools and worked hard at getting her to stretch over her back and seek a stead contact with my hand. Got the most steady contact I've ever had. She was actively seeking that soft outside hand. It was a delightful feeling. I got her a 75 blanket which did not fit so I'll sell it. Didn't ride last 2 days. Looking forward to doing so tomorrow. P. is gone next week so I'll be able to work MY way with Wanda. I'm currently working on moving off a soft leg and coming back to a soft hand. She's keeping a fairly steady rhytm now and seems to be learning quickly if I don't beat her into it.

July 1, 2008

We've been riding with Lisa for about a month now. Going pretty well. We're working on straightness and balance. We're also shopping for yet another saddle. sigh. Tried a feel-it, dominus, and one other I can't remember. Had a nice ride yesterday and am worming her today.

August 27, 2008

Rode her today after having her hocks injected monday. Boy, it made a huge difference.

October 5, 2008

Haven't ridden in 3 weeks. Fell off during a spook. I've ridden twice since then but now I'm beggining to be afraid. I hurt my thumb more than I realized and it's scary. She continues to get better I hear from Lisa. She's riding her 4x a week. And Jon and I are lungeing her on teh weekends. She's starting to move differently, even on the lunge line. I can see her starting to rock back and carry herself differently. She's tucking her hips under herself. I'm going this week to watch Lisa ride.

October 14, 2008

Watching Lisa ride Wanda is so cool! She's looking more and more like a dressage horse. I think what I've seen in her is finally coming to the fore. Having people around who like her is making all the difference. I've been doing a lot of negative self-talk about though. I fell into the habit at P's where I was the only one who liked her. I need to work on that. Now I'm the one talking about what a bitch she is and how incapable she is and I don't believe that! I think she's a ver kind horse who is trying really hard to understand what is being asked of her. she's so proud of herself when she gets it right-really funny! I'm a little angry that she dumped me but I keep reminding myself that she was not trying to hurt me, she was trying to get out of working.. As important a distinction as the difference between being afraid of an object and being afraid fo the horse's potential reaction to said object. I'm riding again on Friday. Lisa is going to warm her up for me. I'm a bit nervous but I can't tell if it's about being on Wanda or that my hand might hurt. Lisa says she's very light in the hand now so I'm hoping it won't hurt and I'll be able to ride regularly again. It's been almost five weeks since my fall and I get more and more nervous about getting back on. I wasn't until a few weeks ago. But I've fallen before and gotten back on again and I will this time too.

October 23, 2007

Rode her all by myself today. We do really well not leaning against my hands until I tense my forearms in an attempt to keep my hands still. I think I might feel more secure in the saddle with a trot strap. I'll have to look into finding one. The ride went well-minimal no's on her part.

October 28, 2008

Warmed her up with a little WTC and counter canter. She was tired and sluggish but better than monday about bending and being light. I still struggle with coordinating my aids but I think that will be a recurring them as we progress! At the moment I'm really focusing on:
1.correcting her as soon as she starts to lean or bear down against the bit
2.long, relaxed legs(me)
3.controlling all of the sections of the horse-head/neck, shoulders, ribs and hindquarters
4.staying relaxed and having fun!
I'm still coping with some residual fear from my fall. But I really love riding and more, I really love riding Wanda. She's getting so strong and fit. We did a 40 minute longe lesson on her and she handled it like a champ. I learned that I've been using a relaxation of the seat and aids as a halt cue instead of a reward immediately following any cue. I need to clarify with Lisa what the halt aids are. I was all over the place at first but then I began to find my center of balance. I need to tip my pelvis a bit more forward when riding so that I'm balancing with my pubic bone and not just my tailbones. Once I managed that I was able to relax and allow my hip flexors to open and soften which lengthened my leg and helped pull me into a more balanced seat. I had lots of small wriggles and deviations but I was able to get recentered every time! Often witout having to use my hands on the saddle. Lisa rides wanda on friday for me. A practice I hope to continue for the next few months. Then I'm going to try and ride Sa and Su. That way I'll have a better lesson on Monday.

October 30, 2008
On Monday we achieved one of our goals! We rode all the way down the drive to the street!!! It felt fabulous. Next goal: ride to the end of the road. Also told Lisa I wanted to ride a really good 20m circle consistently anywhere in the arena and I'm doing that now!

November 12, 2008
I'm on the cusp of attaining a new level of understanding. Which is frustrating. I can almost see the pieces coming together. They just don't quite mesh. Lisa and I have had a couple of interesting conversations recently. She tells me that I take her instructions too literally and I need to exercise more independent thinking. This is harder for me as I'm used to following exact instructions. Lisa said she makes assumptions when she tells me things. Like when she tells me to put on my left leg she's assuming I'm already catching that with my right leg and hand. Also, when she tells me to prepare to do something she assumes I'm going to do the action once I've prepared (I've been waiting for her to tell me to go ahead). She reiterated to me that she thinks I'm a fine rider. She asked me if I'm feeling less afraid. I am, although I still wish I were a bit more secure in my seat. I told her this and she asked me what I meant by that. She said she thinks I have a good seat. I said I don't feel like I'm moving with the horse through my lower back. I feel like I pogo stick along at the trot. Lisa says I don't. That I sit just fine. Today we worked a lot on not gripping with my thighs. I tend to clamp down when I go to use my legs. I also usually pull my lower leg back whenever I am trying to push harder. I need to work on keeping my lower leg foward by the girth most of the time. For a shoulder in I should use my inside leg to flex the ribs around it and back that up with a steady outside rein and an energizing outside leg. Lisa reiterated that I am a good rider and I'm ready to take this to the next level. I' ready for a more sophisticated and nuanced ride. She said I have all the tools. Legs and hands. For Thursday I'm to get her in front of my leg and then work on bend. Work on a slower canter without constant driving aids and no breaking.

Equine Withdrawal

2008-12-08T16:18:00.000-08:00

I've been sick for the last seven days in a row. Too sick to leave the house to get the mail-much less drive the twenty minutes to see my big bay girl. And...

I MISS HER!

Which is completely reasonable, if not expected, until you realize that just a few short weeks ago I was dealing with the aftermath of a bad fall and completely dreaded going to the barn. I didn't miss my horse that much at all. I wasn't going crazy thinking about her during the day and wondering what she was doing. Or shopping tattered equine catalogs. Or reading books and magazine articles for the fourth and fifth times. I've been missing my horse and I couldn't be prouder of myself.

Oh, and the UPS guy just came and dropped off a box for me! It has my new helmet (I splurged and bought a mid-grade velveteen one-haven't had one of these since I was fifteen), and an extra halter crownpiece, and very stylish dark blue bell boots-*the* latest fashion in rear foot apparel :) I also bought new Prince of Wales spurs and rubber spur grips just before I got sick last week. (My trainer told me it was time to graduate to "big girl spurs".) [a brief history of my mare and spurs-when i first bought her my previous trainer had me riding her in dime rowels. Which I was really uncomfortable with as I didn't ever really feel that my legs were steady enough to wear them. So when I switched trainers the first thing L. did was to have me buy the tinniest, nubbiest spurs I could find. Getting to buy a real spur was a major comment on how far my riding has come in just a few months-or at least, that's the way I'm viewing it!] Bottom line, I cannot wait for my lesson on Wednesday to try out all my new loot and see my girl! But especially, the loot ;)

my Big, Important theory

2008-12-08T12:01:00.000-08:00

and here it is: Dressage is all about circles, and using circles to make straight lines.

That's it, that's my big idea of the day. Let me know what you think!

When do we get THERE?

2008-12-08T01:59:00.001-08:00

I should preface this installment by explaining that I am a reader. And by this I mean that I have read, with great enthusiasm, any and all texts pertaining to dressage and/or the training of a young horse that I can get my grubby hands on. I've read about other disciplines in my attempt to better understand how to help my mare move more effeciently and with greater balance. I understand what to do with it once we get there, at least in theory. But how, someone tell me, do we get THERE? I worry that I'm pushing too hard or making her work too difficult because she just doesn't seem as enthused about spending time working together as she used to. Or is that me? Am I projecting this on her? I'm having to work harder to get the same level of response that I used to. I used to feel her trying so hard and now that feeling is slipping away. But the only thing I really know how to do is keep asking and keep working until it gets easier again. My apologies if this is veering off course, stay with me, it's all part of the same thing. Plus it's the middle of the night and I can't sleep so I tend to get a bit "rambly". We recently upped the ante with our trainer and it's been kicking my butt. I wasn't having any fun at all the last few weeks, which is one of the reasons that I haven't written. I have been so frustrated by the feeling that I was on the verge of reaching the next level of understanding. I could see it, smell it, and taste it. I knew what it would be like once I got there. I just couldn't make THERE be here. It was agonzing. And I'm sure it was not so much fun for the folks around me either! My trainer is a saint for helping me get through it. And, of course, I did get THERE. It just took me some time. I believe that Wanda will get THERE too. We're now up to about 18 minutes of really quality trot work a day. I have to admit that I spend a lot of time just riding that beautiful, wonderful, springy feeling and I let all thoughts of training fly out the window more often than I'd like to admit. I store that feeling up inside my body, trying to soak as much as possible into my muscle fibers. And sometimes, I even remember to try to channel this into 18 minutes of really GOOD work. I feel guilty for just enjoying that feeling sometimes and not working so hard during that time, but that's the entire reason I get on my horse-that feeling. That wonderful feeling, when you and your horse are balanced and focused and could do anything together. When you don't have to think about goals or position, when you can just ride. I love that feeling. That feeling is what makes all the anxiety and frustration and tears worth it. In that moment, I am a great rider. In that moment I am the very best me. And then she gets tired and falls on her forehand again and we start working again. I watched a clinic recently where the clinician was talking about playing your horse's back like an instrument. It was amazing to watch as riders let go and allowed the horse to really swing evenly through the back. Or stretch the horse that extra quarter of an inch farther than he thought his body could go and find true release in that frame. But how do you get there? How do you get to a place where trying that doesn't leave you on the forehand? Cause that's a place I'd really like to get to. It seems wonderful to be able to tune in that much and let go of the rest. Problem is, when I let go, we just fall on our face. Is it even really possible to teach a horse that thinks 4 inch cavalletti were invented by humans just to torture horses to rock back and pick up her feet? I really hope so. And in truth, I believe it is possible. But I often feel like the kid in the backseat who just keeps asking "are we THERE yet?"

Lesson Day

2008-11-03T21:24:00.000-08:00

I had a good lesson today. Wanda is getting more and more capable which is awesome. Today I rode my first three loop serpentine at the canter. We kept the counter canter on the middle loop. It was so easy for her. I lost the bend a few times but it wasn't bad for the first try. I now have a plan from Lisa about what to do when she spooks. First, I'm to remember it's just my girl losing focus. And then I put her into a very small circle and push her foward into the bend. Once she regains her focus I can move on. And hope like hell I can regain MY focus!

fear is a funny thing

2008-11-03T21:19:00.000-08:00

Fear is a funny thing. I wasn’t worried first thing after I fell. It was later, when I realized that I had injured myself and began to be afraid it wouldn’t heal that I became afraid. But my fear of being hurt is transferring to fear of riding my horse. I feel pretty confident on the ground. I can handle anything she throws at me, including breaking loose. She’ll stop to eat and let me catch her. She’s good that way. But under saddle I’m becoming more and more nervous about her spooking. Even longeing is becoming a problem for me if she gets distracted. Lisa has been telling me how much more athletic she is now and I’m afraid I may have too much horse. I find this new wanda a little frightening and intimidating-which is not the way I want to feel about my horse. I need to find a way to work within my comfort level while expanding it again. Perhaps we can do some work on the longe line and I can work on my seat. I don’t want to be afraid of my horse.