Yesterday I was attempting to drink while breastfeeding and, typically of me, I forgot to swallow and then breathe. So I started choking and coughing, still valiantly trying to hold the baby, and ended up wetting my pants. Which made me laugh, which made me cough harder, which made me wet my pants. I holler for my husband, who can't understand what I'm saying with all the coughing and sputtering and laughing; and finally manage to make him understand that I need him to take the baby so I can clean up. I unlatch the baby, hand him off and begin attempting to clean the couch. Of course, by now, my milk had let down and was dripping everywhere I was trying to clean. I did get it all cleaned up and finished feeding the baby.
It was one of those moments when I realized that a lot of things about motherhood are weird and gross and hilarious.
And also that I'm so glad we have leather furniture.
And Jon, stop laughing.
19 May 2010
13 May 2010
How to Get Back in the Saddle in Just 30 Steps.
1. Heal posterior portions of anatomy.
2. Take brisk walk to test step one.
3. Return to step one and actually heal.
4. Test step one again by sitting on hard chair and wiggling.
5. Declare yourself ready and start telling friends and family that you're going to call the trainer.
6. Attempt to remember where you packed away your breeches.
7. Find the only pair of breeches without an elastic waistband. Look at your changed figure. Put breeches in back of closet and look for other breeches.
8. Research trainers online just in case you might want to make a change.
9. Take breeches back out of closet. Lay them on bed. Consider trying them on. Return them to closet.
10. Worry about childcare during your lesson. Have spouse reassure you that he will take the baby while you ride.
11. Look at breeches in back of closet. Look at waist. Laugh.
12. Drive to tack store to buy new breeches.
13. Read price tag of new breeches. Laugh. Resolve to find your other breeches.
14. Return home. Try on breeches.
15. Remember they used to zip. Wipe off tears and throw breeches in back of closet.
16. Sob all over spouse who has come running to see what is wrong that you are now too heavy to ride a horse.
17. Let spouse tell you that other adults ride horses all the time. Adults that weigh more than you currently do.
18. Spouse is an idiot and clearly doesn't know anything. Feel free to employ dramatic gesture.
19. Find other breeches in the box you checked first and thought you had searched thoroughly.
20. Put on breeches. Look in mirror.
21. Remind yourself that many people who weigh more than you ride horses every day.
22. Finally call trainer and schedule lesson.
23. Have panic attack at the thought of going out in public in breeches.
24. Offset panic attack with the thrill of going out in public without the baby.
25. Arrive at barn.
26. Tack up horse.
27. Walk horse to arena.
28. Return horse to barn to put on piece of tack you've forgotten.
29. Walk horse to arena. Look at mounting block and distance to saddle.
30. Fumble through mounting and finally manage to heave yourself into the saddle.
Success! You are ready for your first lesson post-baby!
2. Take brisk walk to test step one.
3. Return to step one and actually heal.
4. Test step one again by sitting on hard chair and wiggling.
5. Declare yourself ready and start telling friends and family that you're going to call the trainer.
6. Attempt to remember where you packed away your breeches.
7. Find the only pair of breeches without an elastic waistband. Look at your changed figure. Put breeches in back of closet and look for other breeches.
8. Research trainers online just in case you might want to make a change.
9. Take breeches back out of closet. Lay them on bed. Consider trying them on. Return them to closet.
10. Worry about childcare during your lesson. Have spouse reassure you that he will take the baby while you ride.
11. Look at breeches in back of closet. Look at waist. Laugh.
12. Drive to tack store to buy new breeches.
13. Read price tag of new breeches. Laugh. Resolve to find your other breeches.
14. Return home. Try on breeches.
15. Remember they used to zip. Wipe off tears and throw breeches in back of closet.
16. Sob all over spouse who has come running to see what is wrong that you are now too heavy to ride a horse.
17. Let spouse tell you that other adults ride horses all the time. Adults that weigh more than you currently do.
18. Spouse is an idiot and clearly doesn't know anything. Feel free to employ dramatic gesture.
19. Find other breeches in the box you checked first and thought you had searched thoroughly.
20. Put on breeches. Look in mirror.
21. Remind yourself that many people who weigh more than you ride horses every day.
22. Finally call trainer and schedule lesson.
23. Have panic attack at the thought of going out in public in breeches.
24. Offset panic attack with the thrill of going out in public without the baby.
25. Arrive at barn.
26. Tack up horse.
27. Walk horse to arena.
28. Return horse to barn to put on piece of tack you've forgotten.
29. Walk horse to arena. Look at mounting block and distance to saddle.
30. Fumble through mounting and finally manage to heave yourself into the saddle.
Success! You are ready for your first lesson post-baby!
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