How I've Lived 'til Now

"and i love you so,
people ask me how,
how i've lived til now,
i tell them i don't know"

Every now and then, like now for instance, there are moments when I sit and listen to my son breathe and marvel at the world and its mysteries. I am so in awe of this tiny being that came from me.

They said that I couldn't really know what it is to love unil I had a child.

They were wrong.

Because this love? This all-encompassing, nothing I wouldn't do for you, absolute devotion? It's how I love. When I really open my heart, I open it. It's that simple and that profound. Often the people I've given my heart to have no idea that I have. They're the kindred spirits in this world-the ones I meet and love for no real reason other than that I do.

You may not know who you are, but I hold you in my heart every day.

...

I don't have a title for this post. I don't even really have a theme. Just some things that have been weighing on my mind.

Edward is almost six months old and I thought it would be easier by now. I thought I'd have become "that mom". The one who wears clothes and not pajamas, who showers every day, who can play with the baby and still get housework done, who has dinner ready for her husband most nights.

I'm not. I haven't cleaned my animal cages in several weeks. And they smell. I have clean laundry stacked up that I haven't managed to fold and put away (in fact there's a pile of it on my bed that I'm going to ignore tonight). I have dirty laundry piled up too. Mostly unsorted. There are baby toys and cat toys everywhere. Enough dust to make another cat. And I still haven't unpacked my garage from when we put the floors in.

And I'm struggling for this to be ok.

I expected more from myself.

I'm a good mother. I'm just not a very good housewife. And maybe that's ok too. But sometimes it's hard to tell when you're looking for a clean pair of socks.