When do we get THERE?

I should preface this installment by explaining that I am a reader. And by this I mean that I have read, with great enthusiasm, any and all texts pertaining to dressage and/or the training of a young horse that I can get my grubby hands on. I've read about other disciplines in my attempt to better understand how to help my mare move more effeciently and with greater balance. I understand what to do with it once we get there, at least in theory. But how, someone tell me, do we get THERE? I worry that I'm pushing too hard or making her work too difficult because she just doesn't seem as enthused about spending time working together as she used to. Or is that me? Am I projecting this on her? I'm having to work harder to get the same level of response that I used to. I used to feel her trying so hard and now that feeling is slipping away. But the only thing I really know how to do is keep asking and keep working until it gets easier again. My apologies if this is veering off course, stay with me, it's all part of the same thing. Plus it's the middle of the night and I can't sleep so I tend to get a bit "rambly". We recently upped the ante with our trainer and it's been kicking my butt. I wasn't having any fun at all the last few weeks, which is one of the reasons that I haven't written. I have been so frustrated by the feeling that I was on the verge of reaching the next level of understanding. I could see it, smell it, and taste it. I knew what it would be like once I got there. I just couldn't make THERE be here. It was agonzing. And I'm sure it was not so much fun for the folks around me either! My trainer is a saint for helping me get through it. And, of course, I did get THERE. It just took me some time. I believe that Wanda will get THERE too. We're now up to about 18 minutes of really quality trot work a day. I have to admit that I spend a lot of time just riding that beautiful, wonderful, springy feeling and I let all thoughts of training fly out the window more often than I'd like to admit. I store that feeling up inside my body, trying to soak as much as possible into my muscle fibers. And sometimes, I even remember to try to channel this into 18 minutes of really GOOD work. I feel guilty for just enjoying that feeling sometimes and not working so hard during that time, but that's the entire reason I get on my horse-that feeling. That wonderful feeling, when you and your horse are balanced and focused and could do anything together. When you don't have to think about goals or position, when you can just ride. I love that feeling. That feeling is what makes all the anxiety and frustration and tears worth it. In that moment, I am a great rider. In that moment I am the very best me. And then she gets tired and falls on her forehand again and we start working again. I watched a clinic recently where the clinician was talking about playing your horse's back like an instrument. It was amazing to watch as riders let go and allowed the horse to really swing evenly through the back. Or stretch the horse that extra quarter of an inch farther than he thought his body could go and find true release in that frame. But how do you get there? How do you get to a place where trying that doesn't leave you on the forehand? Cause that's a place I'd really like to get to. It seems wonderful to be able to tune in that much and let go of the rest. Problem is, when I let go, we just fall on our face. Is it even really possible to teach a horse that thinks 4 inch cavalletti were invented by humans just to torture horses to rock back and pick up her feet? I really hope so. And in truth, I believe it is possible. But I often feel like the kid in the backseat who just keeps asking "are we THERE yet?"